A film crew abandoned their expedition into the rain forests of Borneo this week, after being disturbed by unique and unsettling creatures. Three members of the group had to be evacuated by helicopter, after suffering a complete mental collapse. TV executives are already heralding the trip a huge success.
The expedition was hoping to film undiscovered creatures in the remote region, to feed the ever-growing demand for fascinating but revolting wildlife documentaries. However, there are fears that some of the wildlife is so psychologically-damaging to watch, the footage will require a PG rating.
"After setting up camp, we were sat around the table comparing tattoos and scars", explained Brian Tappet, a junior botanist and extreme sports enthusiast. "When a brightly coloured tree frog landed in the middle of the group, we were sure it was a new species. But then it folded itself inside out, and vomited its eyes across the camp...none of us could hide our revulsion. I mean, why would you even evolve that ability? Fortunately, we caught the moment in HD."
Joanne Layshaft, a media studies student at Bristol university, was particularly disturbed by a creature that was later classified as Norfolk Digitalis. "It is one of the larger species of stick insect. I discovered it when I was removing my nail varnish on the first evening, and I realised I had an extra finger. This freak of nature had burrowed its head under the skin on my hand, and almost perfectly mimicked an extra digit. FOR NO REASON ", sobbed Ms Layshaft. "And there's even a chance that the camera wasn't switched to macro".
One of the worst discoveries was a spider that spins its web from human faeces. "Their cobwebs were everywhere: across every path, between every tent...I'll never...feel clean...", stammered David Plenum, an experienced producer from the BBC. "David Attenborough will never put up with this. We'll have to add him digitally in post-production again."
Not all the wildlife was so overtly disgusting, some species just created a sense of unease. The newly-discovered Jarring Chameleon would change colour to clash with its background, and the Cuss Beetle was a perfect mimic of expletives. Several species of venus fly-traps were identified that inexplicably pulled the wings off Daddy Longlegs. Slow-motion footage of these unique plants will be made available on the DVD extras.
Psychologists believe most of the team will make a full recovery, given enough time and repeat fees. But Brian Gudgeon, the camp's cook, isn't so sure: "I still can't close a toilet door without expecting to see a Wide-eyed Leering Boo-monkey hanging from it."
The series will be released on Blu Ray in the autumn.