The chimpanzee world was rocked yesterday by research lab chimp Bonzo’s discovery that 95% of chimp DNA is the same as humans.
Bonzo, who has worked for the last five years as an experimental subject for the Primate Genome Project based in Leighton Buzzard, learned enough basic genetics during his years of captivity to confidently assert that, genetically speaking, humans are much more similar to chimpanzees than any chimp had previously thought.
Speaking through a sign language interpreter, the former star of the long running series of PG Tips adverts commented: “It might sound amazing but chimps have long noted the similarities between us and humans. For example, just look at a human hand for long enough and you’ll see the spooky similarities.”
Lying back in his cage, openly scratching his genitals, Bonzo predicted outrage from some quarters of the chimp world at his discovery. “There will be chimps who say I’ve got the science wrong, but there’s nothing embarrassing about having such strong shared ancestry with humans. And that 5% genetic difference is critical. It accounts for humans’ puny physical strength, ridiculous noses and their outlandishly large penises.”
In conclusion, Bonzo remarked: “It’s clear to any chimp with even the most basic grasp of genetic evolutionary theory that homo sapiens represents a biological cul-de-sac, just another doomed branch on the chimpanzee tree of life.”
Johnny Morris was last night unavailable for comment.