The British public are seeking answers following the appearance of a mysterious glowing orb in the sky. The unidentified object first appeared over the weekend causing hysteria as well as a surge in sales of frappuccinos and newspapers (although the Independent remained largely unaffected). Religious leaders have seized upon the situation, claiming the event as a sign from God. Political leaders Left, Right and Centre-Left each claimed the orb’s miraculous appearance as endorsement of their policies. However, there is little knowledge of what the Great Light actually is. Initial reports suggested that Gordon Brown may have been the source after it was confirmed that 06:42am, the exact time of the earliest sighting, was the exact time that Gordon Brown delighted those closest to him by finally having a moment of inspiration. This looked to have been confirmed when Alistair Darling was spotted later that morning with singed eyebrows. However, this was ruled out by doctors at Guys and St Thomas, who confirmed that the PM had actually suffered a mini-stroke and that they were not expecting any further miracles. Reports that the light was emanating from David Cameron’s posterior were similarly confounded when it was discovered that Mark Austin’s head was still in situ, despite repeated attempts to remove it. Reports from within the Lib Dem camp have been widely disregarded.
The scientific community has been so far unable to explain the phenomenon, and so has turned to Prof. Brian Cox, at the behest of the Department of Health. Chief Medical Officer Liam Donaldson issued a statement today, emphasizing the urgency of Cox’s involvement. ‘Whilst the public reaction to the appearance of the Great Light has been one of awe and wonderment’, he began, ‘there is a risk that the lack of scientific explanation may lead eventually to widespread hysteria on a par with Pandemic Flu situation. GP surgeries are already being instructed to prepare for an influx of patients concerned at potential side effects of exposure such as extreme redness of the skin, an exacerbation of the interaction between alcohol, dehydration and violence, and an overly competitive attitude towards the Germans. In the meantime, it is extremely important to allay any potential fears by utilizing Professor Cox’s standing amongst the general population and exploiting his unique ability to render uncertainty and doubt irrelevant through unremitting enthusiasm. In addition, of all the leading scientists, he is the one most likely to venture outside during day-light hours.’
Upon undertaking his new commission, Cox ventured that ‘we have no definite idea about what is going on. We think it may be a result of a large amount of flammable gas being released possibly due to a recent increase in the level of excrement present in the environment, mainly around the central London area. Realistically, we expect the situation to intensify over the next 2-3 weeks with a peak around the beginning of May.'