The Whitehouse confirmed today that the Duke of York used Tuesday's state banquet to 'drop a word in Mr O's ear on the subject of US trade tariffs for minor British royalty, in particular the Duchess of York'. In return for waiving import duties on Ms Ferguson, the President was promised a new Jaguar XJ, 'top of the range, full leather, you name it - my mate Seb can get one like that. No lie'.
'The car was a legitimate incentive and I make no apology for sticking up for British industry' said Prince Andrew. 'We have a fine tradition of shipping royalty all over the world - Egypt, Iraq, wherever. But the export of Sarah Ferguson to America has always failed. Why? Because the conditions were set too high.'
The Duchess' first application to live stateside was granted 'provided that she cease all activities related to the production of children's books', and the second 'as long as she tries to shed 100lbs on cable tv'. Both times she breached her promise and returned to England. 'Third time lucky, eh?' said the Duke. 'Sure, we'd miss her, but God knows America needs more talented women now that Oprah is retiring. We can keep in touch via skype, although my broadband has been playing up'.
'That bloody Andrew is an embarrassment. We spent days persuading Charles not to teach Obama his 'dole queue shuffle dance moves, and then his brother blunders in' said Prince Phillip. 'Still, it explains why the President looked distracted after dinner when I congratulated his country on finally 'shouldering the white man's burden' through a properly interventionist foreign policy.'