The world of religion was thrown into disarray yesterday when Richard Dawkins, one of its most prominent critics, revealed that he was Jesus Christ.
In an emotional press conference Dawkins, who has published several bestselling books against the existence of God, apologised for misleading thousands of atheist disciples and said his 'blind faith in rationalism’ was to blame. ‘I’ve never been able to take a bath,’ said Dawkins. ‘I just lay on the surface of the water. But instead of following my own principles of empirical enquiry, I cleaned with wet wipes and tried not to think about it.’
Dawkins, the Bread of Life, said he was ‘deeply upset’ when he accepted he was Jehovah earlier this year. ‘I drank myself into a stupor,’ he said. ‘Which was easy since I can’t seem to take a piss without turning everything into wine. When I sobered up, I embraced my holiness and discovered an unshakeable faith in my own righteousness.'
Dawkins chose his local pub, a converted church, for his public debut as the Messiah. Landlady Mary Greville said, ‘I expected his usual pithy comment about how I'd replaced one den of iniquity with another. But instead he overthrew the tables and cast me out.’
Steve Douglas, a pub regular, said, ‘I knew something was up when he cured my arthritis with a laying on of hands. Usually he advocates scientifically-proven remedies.'
Dawkins' announcement that he will honour all his obligations as Christ, including 'donkey rides and fish suppers,' has been welcomed by Christians, who have been waiting almost two thousand years for the second coming. ‘In one fell swoop our faith has been vindicated and we’ve lost our greatest enemy,’ said the Archbishop of Canterbury. ‘In your face, Mohammed!’ Leaders of other religions were described as 'sheepish' this morning, although the Jews were said to be considering their options.
In dramatic scenes atheist figurehead Christopher Hitchens interrupted Dawkins’ press conference with shouts of ‘Judas’ and threw a purse of silver coins which struck Dawkins in the face. Early reports indicate that Dawkins suffered a broken nose and for all mankind.