Global investment banking giant Goldman Stanley is to outsource its entire entire management to Haringay Council after reading about its impressive record on the local authority's web site.
After reading about the north london borough council's world leading service delivery, unparalled IT systems and on-going commitment to excellence, the board of the global investment bank were reportedly 'blown away'. In a heated board meeting, the chief executive reportedly thumped the table with his fist, and shouted "I don't care how you do it, but get me Nigel goddamn Simkins by Monday!" adding, "Offer him any god-damn job title he likes."
But Nigel Simkins, Haringay's IT director, initially snubbed the bank, telling headhunters he was away for a week's training course on Environmental Awareness Frameworks training course in Padstow.
The Goldman Stanley board was reportedly 'totally blown away' with Haringay Council's pledge to be customer-centric. This revolutionary concept, seemingly invented by the council, could change the shape of commerce in the 21st century. "Selling stuff to customers is a total paradigm shift that turns traditional business thinking on its head," said CEO Jeff Shouty, "who would have thought it? But that's the kind of big bold idea, we need to stay ahead of the game. I like this guy Simkins already."
A new Simkins-led regime could see dramatic change to the bank. Traders would be expected to turn up for work at around 9:30 or 10:30, according to their flexitime arrangements, and stop for 25 minutes at 11:30 when the tea trolley comes round. Lunch would last a couple of hours, and staff would be expected to kill the remaining half an hour with some web surfing, before going home at 3:30.
"It's unconventional, but that's the kind of thinking we need to keep this god-damn corporation ahead of the game," said Shouty.
"We don't need a buncha cockameme Ivy League whitebreads with button down Brooks Brothers shirts. We need guys that can think outside the box. Like Nigel Simkins," said Shouty. "After all, this is the guy that gave Haringay Council a service that's the envy of the world."