The government has announced plans to destroy Britain's woods following a decline in their use by the public. Environment minister Caroline Spelman told parliament the rise of internet pornography meant 'almost no-one' has gone into the woods since 1998.
'Before the internet, thousands of us visited the woods to discover and discard used jazz mags,’ said Spelman. ‘But free, easily-accessible online pornography has put an end to that tradition. Wankers have moved with the times and, as a responsible government, so must we.’
Spelman conceded that the woods remain popular as a convenient place to bury abducted children. ‘But that’s not enough to justify the high cost of woodland husbandry,’ she said. Instead, the woods will be replaced with interactive displays simulating the sights and sounds of the woods, with narration by X Factor judge Cheryl Cole.
Outdoor organisations have reacted with dismay. ‘The British wood is a unique and wonderful resource,’ said David Stoates, a spokesman for the Rambler’s Association. ‘Everyone remembers coming across their first binbag of old Razzles in a sunlit copse. It’s like finding a pot of gold, but better because it’s naked ladies.'
Stoates is hoping a new campaign, Wood For The Trees, will revive the pornographic fortunes of Britain’s woods and attract new visitors. ‘Mother nature adapts and so must we,' said Stoates. 'Over the next few months we’ll be scattering thousands of USB sticks in woods up and down the land. They’re packed with the latest hardcore filth, and details of popular local walks for ramblers of all ages and abilities.’