Shadow Chancellor George Osborne has finally revealed how the Conservative Party can cut the deficit without raising taxes via a fully costed ‘Magic Money Tree’.
Speaking at an election press conference an excited Mr Osborne said: “It looks just like a normal tree but instead of leaves it produces twenty pound notes.” Mr Osborne then produced a picture of a tree that he had drawn using special coloured pens.
“I used to think that George Osborne was a blithering idiot,” confessed Lib Dem Treasury spokesman, Vince Cable, “but I have to say that the Magic Money Tree looks like the solution to all our problems.”
The tree, which has been fully costed and independently verified by the Institute for Fiscal Studies, has received worldwide acclaim. “George Osborne has managed to completely transcend the old battle between Monetarism and Keynesianism” said Nobel Prize winning economist, Joseph Stiglitz, “the Magic Money Tree is a work of genius.”
“I hate to admit this,” said Gordon Brown, “but George Osborne's Magic Money Tree is the answer. I have tried for many years to grow my own ‘Neo-Classical Endogenous Growth Tree’ but sadly it withered and died – probably because it wasn’t magic. For a while I experimented with a ‘Supply-Side Golden Goose’ but in the end we were forced to sell it to Cash4Gold."
A minor note of caution was raised by economist Will Hutton: “This is undoubtedly a great idea but in order to grow a money tree you first need to plant a magic coin. Mr Osborne has yet to explain where this coin is coming from or how long it will take for it to grow into a fully fledged magic tree.”
Mr Osborne rejected any criticism of his theory as sour grapes. “The important thing to remember is that this tree is magic,” he explained, “and I am pleased to say that we have the backing of over 60 of the country's leading witches and wizards. They all say that the Magic Money Tree is guaranteed to work so long as I water it every day with the tears of a unicorn.”