A radical report on the state of the UKs rail network has enfuriated the industry today - by suggesting improvements that focus on the passenger.
"Who wrote this rubbish?" fumed Bob Crow, head of the RMT Union. "Even mentioning the word 'railway' is normally enough to bring us out on strike, but this really presses our buttons. They'll be wanting us to smile at this rate."
Amongst the reports recommendations are:
- Making tickets marginally less unaffordable;
- Noticing when a particular line is overcrowded, and having a think about sticking on an extra carriage or two;
- Not cancelling trains 2 minutes before their arrival, having previously stated they were 'on time' for the past half-hour;
- Acknowledging that some people have to drive to stations, and providing parking at almost bearable prices.
The report goes further: there are suggestions that rail staff should stop throwing litter at passengers, and that kicking their luggage should also be halted. There is even a call to reduce the amount of whipping.
Union members were outraged at the report, and immediately called for a strike ballot. "Once again the Haves are demanding more from the Do Nots, without a thought for our safety or well-being. Having said that, a £500 bung got us to consider doing our normal bloody job during the Olympics...it's worth thinking about that," stated a member of ASLEF.
A passenger was unavailable for comment, as they'd all been transferred to a replacement bus service.