In a departure from the normal format popular BBC TV show The Apprentice is set to test contestants who reach this year’s final in a very different way. Instead of the usual competition to see who can fit the most clichés into a sentence while still having it sound vaguely coherent, the finalists in this series will be faced with a set of more traditional tasks for apprentices.
The decline of apprenticeship positions over recent years has seen a simultaneous decline in the practice of winding up the new boy. With fears that this once great British institution could die out completely the show’s producers are hoping to help to reverse this trend.
‘It used to be the case that when you wanted to build a career you looked around for an apprenticeship’ said producer Mark Burnett ‘You then expected your new colleagues to pretty much constantly take the piss for anywhere from 3-5 years until eventually you earned some respect.’
The final 3 contestants in this series will be summoned to the board room first thing on a Monday morning where they will be given the timed task of fetching Lord Sugar and his advisors bacon sandwiches, cups of coffee and a copy of the News of the world. The slowest of the 3 will then be fired, leaving a straight fight between the remaining 2.
The final shootout will comprise of a list of items that the candidates will be required to source for Lord Sugar at the lowest possible price. This will test their negotiating skills to the limit as they enter a DIY store and try to strike the best deal for a long weight, a left handed hammer, tin of chequered paint, tub of elbow grease, 3 metres of fallopian tubing and spare bubbles for a spirit level. They will then go back into the board room where Lord Sugar will play back videos of their attempts while openly mocking them.
A leaked portion of the script for Lord Sugar’s final, damning verdict sees him saying ‘You’re a fucking idiot. You walked into a shop, asked for a long weight and then stood around like a lemon for [insert length of time]. Well if you think you’re going to be working with me then you’re going to have an even longer wait. You’re fired. Now sweep the floor before you leave and if you do a good enough job I’ll give you your car keys back’