Right. I've never tried this before, so please be gentle! Any suggestions gratefully received!
Rumours are spreading in international circles that former prime minister Gordon Brown may be directly behind the current allegations against IMF supremo Dominique Strauss-Kahn.
One Westminster source stated, "We were wondering where on earth he'd been for the last year. The word in Annie's Bar is that he's been holed up in his study in Kircaldy, plotting and planning day and night, sustained only by biscuits pushed under the door and his own sense of righteousness."
Further investigation into exactly what sort of biscuits were fuelling the ex-prime minister has sadly proved fruitless so far.
A Mrs Carole Middleton, proprietor of family firm "Party Pieces", has come forward on condition of strict anonymity to confirm that she is currently awaiting return of an oversized French maid's outfit, ordered by, "a very angry Scottish man", but went on to clarify, "I suppose it could have been Alastair Campbell. In fact, it doesn't really narrow it down at all, does it?"
Strauss-Kahn has smuggled a letter out of Rikers Island, stating "Zut Alohrs! I was suspicious of the timing of his American speaking engagements and I knew he wanted my job, but I didn't think he'd go so far as to jump out of the cupboard in a maid's outfit and chase me round the room trying to goose me, shouting 'I saved the world!'. This has gone too far - he has to be stopped. None of his allegations are true! I can't take it in here any more - the others are already calling me 'Dominique The Dominator', and they make nasal 'hoh-hee-hoh-hee-hoh' noises all night."
It has yet to be established whether the "maid" in question is indeed Mr Brown, but one bell boy recalls being barged out of the way on the morning in question by a particularly burly maid. "It was almost as though whoever it was had no sense of depth perception", he mused. "I can't be sure, but I think they called me a bigot as they stormed off. Then, they turned and threw a Nokia at me."
The Nokia has been taken away for forensic examination.