Long famed for its corporate motto "Don't be evil", California-based search company Google today admitted that the idea had "rapidly proved unworkable" and that in fact, the company has been evil for some considerable time. An official spokesman cited several examples of evildoing that have apparently gone unnoticed for years, including vast sums of money made by promoting the advertising of cheap and unreliable illegal Chinese fakes, useless health drinks, phony diet plans and painful and pointless colon cleansing and teeth-whitening products. "It has been our mission for some years," he continued, "to direct our users to the websites which pay us the most in advertising fees, regardless of the quality of the products and services offered, and without regard for international law."
When asked whether the revelation had been prompted by remorse, he was obviously amused, and went on to describe the company's successful long-term project to abolish copyright protection and intellectual rights. "All your image are belong to us," he laughed, evilly, "and nobody cares, that's the funny thing. We're now the web's leading provider of free porn and it's not even ours! It's just, like, totally awesome, dude. Remorse? No way. We just couldn't keep the joke to ourselves any longer, it was just too damn funny."
Sources close to the management of the company, speaking on condition of not losing their jobs, laptops, saunas, free meals and mixed-gender office jacuzzi, admit that being evil has been far too easy. "Obviously, being entirely good was going to be a non-starter," we were told, "nobody in Silicon Valley does that. But we thought we'd have to be at least a little good, just to keep up appearances, and we were wrong."
The US media have been quick to respond, claiming that Google must have used some form of evil mind control to prevent the truth from being seen. "We must have been possessed," writes the editor of the Wall Street Journal, "to want to wade through hundreds of hours of dreary YouTube clips and Blogger blogs, to struggle with threaded Gmail conversations, and tolerate Google StreetView cameras peering into our bedrooms. Why didn't we complain, when Picasa, DoubleClick, FeedBurner, BumpTop, all those fine names, were quietly gobbled up? Why didn't we see what was happening?"
But no, says the official Google spokesman, there was no deliberate attempt to control people's minds. In fact, he told us, "there was never any need. We just carried on being as evil as we liked, and nobody noticed! In fact," he continued, "we fully expect our users and supporters to carry on as if nothing has happened, mainly because it's easier than actually doing anything about it."
The CEOs of Microsoft, not a stranger to being evil but also not in a strong position to sell shareholders' souls this quarter, and Yahoo, lacking the in-house evil necessary for a swift response, were unavailable for comment. Steve Jobs was reportedly out of his office today, but sources at Apple say their boss appears calm and has taken a couple of weeks off "to confer with a higher authority."
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