A FIFA executive, speaking on condition of anonymity because his super injunction hasn't yet been confirmed, whispered in a corner yesterday that 'We have referred a large bundle of evidence regarding this matter to the International Corruption commissioner in the usual way and now that ball is in his court. Or at least we think it is. Some people seem to think he's received it, but other's say it hasn't yet crossed the border line. We refuse to use computer tracking to verify the location of the bundle, relying instead on word of mouth and smoke signals. If a suitable decision is not announced soon, we will hold an ineffective enquiry to see what went wrong.'
Jack Warner, one of the more well known Fifa playboys, denounced the way the world corruption league tables were decided upon. 'It's just an old boy's club,' he bemoaned, 'it's obvious these decision-making chancers are on the take but it's such a prestigious honour to be included within the Corruption league table, no-one has the balls or morality to whistleblow until it's too late for fear of being blacklisted. And when they do blow the whistle, they usually make the wrong decision. Anyway, enough of that, how do you like my new education centre? It's got hot tubs, a lap dancing lounge and its own poppy field out back'.'
David Beckham was fortunately unavailable for comment.