Celebration of the death of Osama Bin Laden was cut short this morning after a team of American scientists specialising in paranormal research made the terrible discovery that while still alive, the head of Al-Qaeda made and hid seven 'horcruxes', any one of which can be used to bring him back to evil life.
Although details remain sketchy, it is believed that during the act of murder it is possible to split one's soul - the separated part can then be stored and used to reincarnate the owner, should their physical body ever die. Apparently Bin Laden made the horcruxes shortly after the September 11 Twin Tower attacks, and originally planned to hide some 3000, but settled on seven as "a nice round number that would comfortably fill a novel if you wrote about them."
Horcruxes can be hidden in any object - usually something which cropped up much earlier on, in an attempt to make it look like the whole thing was planned from the start. Those of Bin Laden might therefore be concealed in a diary, a beard, or perhaps a shipment of arms from the days when the fledgling Al-Qaeda was supported by the US for fighting against Soviet Russia.
"What this means for us," explained General MacGuffin of the US Special Forces, "Is a long, wandering, pointless journey, which you can imagine would be a bit of a struggle to read about, although a film version would probably keep the pace going by cutting most of it out."
"Our only real hope," continued the General, "Is that very soon we'll make a further discovery showing that we can actually ignore all this 'horcrux' nonsense and start looking instead for something just as stupid, like, I don't know, 'deathly hallows' or something - 'deathly bollocks, more like'. Sometimes I wonder whether we're fighting evil or playing hunt-the-bloody-thimble..."
He concluded: "This only goes to show that truth is indeed stranger than fiction. But just as badly-written, frankly."