Far from being an innocuous programme for lovers of dirt being scraped off stuff, "Time Team" is, according to Wikileaks, a nefarious plan to reverse the course of time.
A leaked Channel 4 memo describes how, by being so tedious that each minute of its broadcast stretches to hours, it is hoped the beardie nerd show will eventually revert the entire planet to the Halcyion days when Tony Robinson still did funny things as Baldrick and miners everywhere were shouting things into loudhailers.
Speaking from his top secret hideout, Julian Assange, Wikileaks' naughty mastermind, claimed the memo "is deffo 100 per cent legit", and insisted that all such information should be in the public domain, except where it relates to him.
He also refuted all claims that he sits in a big leather chair in front of a bank of screens stroking a cat and referring to himself as "Dr No means Yes". "You try finding a really decent leather chair in Fleetwood," he said.