Dramatic and astounding news is emerging that Lord Lucan has finally been found. The peer disappeared on 8th November 1974 following the murder of Sandra Rivett, his children’s nanny. The 36-year search finally ended when he was discovered living in a mansion in a suburb of Edinburgh. The decision had already been made that, rather than capture him to stand trial, he would be shot in the face until dead, then flown to a ship in the North Sea. DNA was taken from the body and within half an hour, the lab confirmed that it was indeed Lucan. Just as well, seeing as he had already been shot dead. The body was flown by helicopter to HMS Cadaver, where it was given a Mafia-style despatch – it was fitted with cement shoes and thrown overboard to “sleep with the fishes”.
No pictures of Lord Lucan’s demise have been released for fear of upsetting people, but photographs of the bloody bodies of the three butlers also killed in the raid were given to all the newspapers and television newsrooms.
Conspiracy theories were quick to follow the announcement, with some crazy bloggers suggesting that there was no actual proof that Lucan was dead.
But the great and good have been quick to heap praise on the brave men who carried out the attack on Lord Lucan’s lair. President Obama immediately started handing out medals and will travel to Ground Zero tomorrow for a photo opportunity.
Prince Charles congratulated the men responsible and said of Lord Lucan, “He wasn’t really one of us anyway”. Charles ended his statement on a concerned note by suggesting that dumping such a tall man in the sea could be bad for the environment, especially as he used a lot of Brylcreem.