I have a teenage son who seldom graces the bathroom with his presence. He carries around with him the true spirit of a soap dodging Englishman.
My son is a great Europhile. One of his principal goals is to become fluent in French. Not just the language, but the culture. To this end he is currently following the Parisian market trader tradition is in his total rejection of any form of cleanliness. An honour we ourselves claim for our own adolescent stock, but in reality is distilled in its essence in the central regions of Paris. An attribute as essential to the French as being able to say “fuck off” to restaurant customers in as many languages as possible.
My son’s ability to sleep in an atmosphere thicker than cheese and breathe air so foetid that it could be used as a disabling nerve gas is still being discussed by eminent maternal scientists who have found the same tendency amongst their own male offspring. Indeed we should be proud of this modern advance in the new Biotech field.
The other morning as I was going into his room to open the window wearing the customary all over chemical warfare suit, I draw the contrast between him and his sisters. They seem to go round in a vaporous cloud of chemical additives redolent of industrial strength fly spray, which I am assured is the latest “must have” from Boots or some other purveyor of toxic gas. I am not sure which I prefer.
I would add however that we and the French are not alone in the Biotech field. I have been aware that many Central European countries are rapidly catching up. In Bulgaria there is a law known as the Reek Principle which says that the size of the firearm that a security guard carries is in inverse proportion to his cleanliness. Getting into a lift with a guard carrying an AK47 can lead to fainting from the smell of garlic, bodily odour and old socks. A sudden burst of flatulence may lead to instant unconsciousness.
I trust that this new found European solidarity will propel us forward into a new age where our opponents will undoubtedly be the Indian Sub Continent and China where I understand that new recipies and odours are being brewed on a daily basis. Some of them are as yet unknown to Western science. We must take this competition seriously and make sure that we maintain our lead.
My son is currently available for any trial of industrial strength cleaner which you may feel able to recommend.