Davina McCall is set to arrive in Pakistan in the coming hours as top American military TV producers race to put together Osama’s Best Bits from the Big Terror House in Abbottabad, Pakistan following his surprise eviction from the house last night.
According to Islamic tradition, a deceased person must have their Best Bits Showreel completed and broadcast within 24 hours of death for purity and hygiene reasons.
Bin Laden was evicted from the latest series of Celebrity Terrorist Big Brother after failing this week’s challenge which was to not get his head blown off by American Special Forces.
There was no phone vote after CIA chiefs decided the risk of vote rigging was too high after the embarrassing spectacle 10 years ago when Bin Laden survived a public vote during his appearance on Dancing with the Stars whilst Farrah Fawcett was eliminated and sent to Guantanamo Bay to be waterboarded.
Intelligence Chiefs were first alerted to Bin Laden’s presence in Abbottabad when they observed a series of couriers going to and from a high security compound. In a complex operation, tracking devices were inserted into pizzas at the local branch of Dominos and monitoring began of which toppings were being delivered. Final confirmation that Bin Laden was in residence came after several months during which repeated orders were placed for just one type of pizza: the “Death to America Hot”.
President Barack Obama announced the news live on American television, saying, “This is a great day and I wish to pay tribute to the diligent work of our country’s Special Forces and their tireless efforts to eliminate all threats to my flagging poll ratings.” Mr Obama went on to add, “And you’re next Donald Trump.”
Stock markets around the world have rallied at the news and the effect is expected to last at least until traders realise that thousands of other fanatical terrorists are still alive and are now angry as fuck.