Denying that she was inspired by Joanna Lumley’s new ITV series in which she travels almost 4000 miles through the African continent to find the source of the Nile, Colleen Rooney has announced that she intends to undertake a similar, but shorter and lower budget expedition, to find the source of the River Mersey on a series to be broadcast by Hello TV.
“The Mersey has a magical association for Scousers around the globe, and I want to find where it starts and ends” said an emotional Mrs Rooney as she gasped in admiration at the Burberry Pedalo, a three seater pedal-powered river craft imported specially from Ibiza to undertake the pioneering voyage. On learning that the craft was to be pedalled by its passengers and crew Mrs Rooney quipped “Who the fuck do you think I am, Lance Armstrong?”
“I think the legend indicates that the River Mersey connects Liverpool and Stockport but we all hope that Mrs Rooney will be able to confirm this” said Sir Ranulf Fiennes, the world’s leading explorer and the logistical brain behind the expedition “I would have liked to have accompanied Mrs Rooney on the expedition but I understand it passes perilously close to Wythenshawe and is therefore far too dangerous for me to consider, but Colleen should be able to smash a few skulls together after a crate of Bacardi Breezers.”
Fiennes continued “One of the major logistical problems has been finding a pub near the river every three miles for the overnight stays, but I think we’ve now cracked that thanks to some outside-the-box thinking where the pedalo will tow its own bar behind it in case of emergencies, and Wayne has offered to fill his Range Rover with White Lightning in case extra reserves are needed and he only lives round the corner, so to speak.”
"The pedalo is equipped with a state of the art child seat which has special controls to stop tantrums and prevent the throwing of food, but I don't think we'll need it as Wayne doesn't like the water" added Mrs Rooney.