Many modern parents are relieved that the easy availability of pornography on the internet means they no longer have to have the difficult 'Conversation' with their offspring about how babies are made. Today's teenagers can avoid the embarrassing explanation endured by their predecessors, illustrated with uninspiring diagrams or glove puppets wielded by a reluctant father - instead they can dive headfirst into an ocean of freely-accessible online filth, the better to educate themselves.
Scientists, however, now suspect that today's Internet Generation, while being broadly familiar with the rudiments of sex, are being conditioned by overuse of online pornography to believe that sexual reproduction actually occurs by means of the practices most commonly filmed.
Researchers working for the University of East Anglia found that while a large percentage of today's young adults were comfortable and relaxed about sex in general, some 85% were labouring under the misapprehension that the correct mechanism for impregnation involved the gentleman depositing his sperm in the region of the lady's face or anus, preferably with several other people joining in to an upbeat dance soundtrack.
"Call me stupid, but I'd just assumed that the correct way to get pregnant was to arrange my husband and two other men in a three-way spit roast triple-penetration scene," explained blushing Emma from Wokingham. "We'd been wondering where to find the other men, and if it mattered where they went. I had my ovulation calendar all worked out and hanging on the wall next to our bukkake funnel."
Experts now fear that naively following these incorrect practices could cause the human race to die out in only a few generations. There is a growing suspicion that the dinosaurs were not made extinct by an asteroid collision causing an ice age, but instead by somehow developing the herd belief that 'watersports' was the correct way to reproduce, and humanity could be heading towards the same grim scenario.
"It's a minefield waiting to happen," insisted Professor Boris Renfrew of the Institute of Family Health Studies in Romford. "These kids have been utterly corrupted by the insidiously perverse influence of degrading pornography, and have no concept of the simple, beautiful act by which the human female is impregnated. I don't happen to have any children myself, but I'm well aware that they are made primarily by rimming."