In a landmark ruling, the state legislature of Alabama has approved a controversial new law outlawing all forms of evolution, including all forms of natural selection.
State Troopers and Park rangers would be responsible for ensuring that no animal or plant species are able to benefit from some random yet positive genetic mutation. Any positive traits that may encourage any form of life to become even slightly better than as God designed it would be hunted down and these superior species destroyed before they can take advantage of their abnormal genetic code.
"You know, this evolution thing is just unfair, " Congresman Maudney Huxey 3rd explained to us, " why should some normal plant, as designed so carefully by our Creator, be replaced in fields all over our glorious State by some other abomination that just happens to randomly have a gene enabled that prevents it being taken over by the Barley Yellow Dwarf Virus. It's not right, and dang it, we're going to put a stop to it right now."
Any signs of unnaturally high levels of intelligence in an animal would be regarded as suspicious. Particular signs of unnaturally high intelligence would include
* Dogs saving drowning people.
* Dolphins that can do multiple different types of acrobatic stunt.
* Crows that are able to use tools to retrieve food from difficult-to-reach places.
Any animal showing such behaviour in Alabama will now be shot on site.
Supporters of the new law claim that scientific research has proven the long-term risks of evolution could be disastrous to mankind.
"Look at the humble bumble bee, " Huxey continues, " it has a vicious sting but it can't sting you without dying. So that's the beauty of God's design. It can defend itself but it doesn't have the ability to just go stinging you whenever it fancies. Imagine if we had insects like bees, but without this restriction because evolution had given it the ability to survive after stinging - the insect would be able to sting whenever they felt like it without dying. Imagine what fear that would cause. Would you want to live in a world like that?"
However, some other reports blame humans themselves for the rapid increase in evolution-related incidents. One serious concern is the continued hunting of whales. Greenpeace's Kevin Jamon explains - "We have warned about this for many years, but the continued hunting of whales by man can lead to only one thing - whales will start to evolve primitive cartilaginous torpedoes in order to engage and sink whaling vessels. While it would be hard for us to shed a tear over the loss of such ships, this unfortunately would be the evolutionary first step towards whales being able to excrete and launch air-breathing cruise missiles that could hit any target within 120 kilometers of the ocean. It's nothing to do with God's design, we just don't want to provoke these beautiful animals into evolving into undersea killing machines."
There was some brief debate about whether human beings would be potentially at risk from the new legislation, however all sides agreed that this was practically a genetic impossibility in Alabama.