President Bashar Al Assad of Syria has defended the almost endless cycle of killings at funerals as a way of helping the downtrodden undertakers accomplish more work with less effort.
"Our undertakers have told us for some time that the corrupt western system of undertakers having to collect bodies is beneath their dignity and we have devised a way of helping them."
He went on to describe what he calls 'meta-funerals', where mourners are killed to create fresh funerals, which trigger new protests, which trigger more killings. "The undertakers are very pleased with the new system. Naturally we have inadvertently murdered a couple of undertakers in the process, but they should not have joined illegal protests."
The President - who is beloved by all and achieved his high office by virtue of his father impregnating his mother - went on to talk about the efficiencies also of having his 'security forces' just staying in one place, sipping cardamom coffee and picking off mourners in the same place every day. According to the President this has saved the government many dollars in mileage expenses.
The President's interview with the Damascus Ahlan is to be serialised over the coming week. Tomorrow: Friday at home with the Al Assads in their bomb-proof bunker.