The Home Office have announced plans today for a radical shake up of policing in the UK. The changes, set to come into effect from early 2012, will see a move away from the traditional approach to policing and the introduction of a new ‘crime census’.
The new method has been inspired by a combination of the 2011 census, the film The Minority Report and the US approach to vetting visitors by requiring them to fill in a form answering questions such as ‘are you seeking entry to engage in immoral or criminal activities’ and ‘Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved, in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?’.
Home Secretary Theresa May hailed the move as being a massive step forward for crime prevention in the UK. ‘This will drag policing kicking and screaming into the 21st century, much like a suspect in police custo...’ before being abruptly cut off by Nick Herbert, minister of state for policing and criminal justice, who gave more details on the plans.
‘In mid-January 2012 a form will be sent to every home in the UK asking for details of any crimes that each person in the household is planning on committing over the next 5 years. People will then be arrested and charged with the crimes that they intend to commit, thereby preventing them from happening, kind of like a low-tech version of The Minority Report, but without the psychics and the disappointing ending.’
Help will be available online in the form of multiple choice questions for anybody unsure of the crime they are planning on committing. ‘Will you unlawfully kill somebody? Are you of sound mind? Will this killing be pre-meditated? You are planning to commit murder, please proceed to question 42b’.
Each census will include a section listing all unsolved crimes in the local area and allowing the option of confessing to any or all of them in order to bring ongoing investigations to a close. Failure to return the form by the stated deadline will be treated as a confession of guilt to any crimes within a 3 mile radius. Anybody found committing an undeclared crime will be hit with an additional £100 fine.
The changes are in line with government spending cuts as they will allow the budget for the police to be reduced by up to 90%. Community support officers will be retained as even the Home Office are unsure of what they actually do and are reluctant to risk making them redundant in case it’s important.