Simon Cowell’s proposal for a “Britain's Got Government” show to replace the existing First Past the Post electoral structure received an unexpected boost this morning. Results from a secret poll commissioned within the Liberal Democrat “Yes to AV” campaign were leaked to the press, showing the Lib Dems trailing a poor third.
Cowell’s show held a commanding lead, with Andrew Lloyd Weber’s “Downing Street – The Musical” proposal in second place.
“The 2007 phone votes scandal turns out to have been a blessing in disguise.” admitted Cowell on Newsnight yesterday. “They were dark days, but they forced the TV companies to publicly mend their ways, to the extent that people now trust us far more than their elected officials. I’m still haunted by that awful footage of UN observers in the Blue Peter studios, but less than five years later ITV1 have just been asked to step in to reduce corruption in next year’s Italian elections.”
Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has spoken out personally against Cowell’s proposals, pointing out that to have a complete unknown catapulted into Downing Street off the strength of a few brief television appearances might well be a recipe for disaster.
Other electoral reform options fared even worse than the Lib Dems. The BNP suggestion is an American-style system where a prison stay excludes you from ever voting again, although Nick Griffin has strenuously denied that US imprisonment statistics reveal any racial bias. UKIP, on the other hand, is still insisting that electing MPs is a waste of time now that the country is secretly governed from Brussels.
The party that placed lowest in the leaked poll were the Conservatives. Their discredited “If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It” campaign remains in tatters after Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne was forced to admit that we were in fact broke after all.