Aries: The moon is in direct alignment with Mars during this month. This means that a majority of words you will speak with contain at least one vowel. You will also see at least one bus during this period.
Taurus: Saturn is moving into the fourth house in conjunction with Jupiter. This means that drinking water will become important to you this month - possibly even vital.
Gemini: Mars is in conjunctive opposition to Jupiter and Venus during this month. This means that all you do will be watched by the US government. They can read minds and their satellites can see through clothes, so dust down that tin foil cap and lead-line your curtains.
Cancer: The Constellation of Orion is vaguely near Jupiter this month. This means you should avoid cats, watching Sky Sports and walking over cracks in the pavement. It will also rain on a Leo during this month.
Leo: The moon of Io has exerted a slightly higher gravitational pull on the rings of Saturn. This means nothing of any note will happen to you this month. You boring bastards.
Virgo: Mercury is moving into conjunction with Uranus. This means Lucy, my soon-to-be-ex-wife, will get nothing from our divorce settlement. Bitch.
Libra: Mercury is diametric opposition to Neptune, ...with sexy consequences for all Leos with a name containing the letter D and U. At least one Libra will get hit by a lorry this month, and that person will be called Steve, work in the Travel section and will have had an affair with his best mates wife.
Scorpio: Venus and Jupiter is in transition. On the 23rd, at exactly 13:35, Brian Taylor of Littlemore Street, Woking will walk at a steady pace into his Tesco and buy a lottery ticket. Choosing the numbers 4, 7, 9, 25, 34, 41, he will fail to win anything, despite having had four numbers that were at least one away. He will then meet a woman, who is 5ft 10 tall, wearing a navy blue M&S dress, at the bus stop. They will have a polite conversation about how cloudy the weather is, particularly the prevalence of Cumulonimbus clouds. He will then depart on the X45, which will be exactly 4 minutes late. At least he won't arrive home and find his wife in bed with his former best mate. Happy, you skeptical bastards? Enough specifics for you?
Sagittarius: Various planets will do something in relation to each other this month. This means that the colour red will be important to you, especially in relation to traffic lights. Beware of a blonde-haired man dressed like a tosser stealing your wife away by taking her on an "extended travel fact-finding assignment" to the Bahamas.
Capricorn: The Magellenic Clouds will continue their beautiful yet fatal descent into the Milky Way this month. Your cat/dog/hamster will get stuck up a tree or something. Watch out for the letter S. It might stab you in the back.
Aquarius: A black hole will destroy Pluto. Someone you know will join the library and complain about the service they receive at a supermarket. Although that complaint probably won't be that you've got no life goals, lack sexual dynamism and are stuck in a dead end job writing vague horoscopes. And it certainly won't be followed by the words "but steves so cultured and sensitive, he knows 3 languages and travelled the world". Probably.
Pisces: Mars, Mercury and Saturn are all perfectly aligned in this month. This will result in your ambitions to leave Lucy the bitch, Steve the tosser and this newspaper after 10 soul-destroying years and become a world-famous writer remaining unfulfilled.