The proposed dream of Nick Clegg, materialised yesterday, when the grand opening of Netto, Oxford took place. The new Netto sits snugly at the bottom of the Botanic Gardens. Clegg claimed it was a ‘little Lib Dem gem’. He added, ‘I always felt this yearning that Oxford was lacking something…what we need is social and cultural understanding, and this is a splendid approach to achieve that objective. Middle class can show the working class a bit of Earl Grey, while working class can show the middle class what Jim Beam is all about.’
Sadly, Nick Clegg could not attend the grand opening, due to exhaustion stemmed by the demands of William Hague’s desire for a massage while spread-eagled on a back bench. Fear not, Vince Cable replaced Clegg in which he reassured him ‘I shall bring you back a doggy bag’ with crossed fingers behind his back muttering, ‘what’s yellow and full of sh*t? A Netto bag’, as he zipped up Nick Clegg’s ‘Transformers’ recuperation tent.
Thomas Warrington 12, of Abingdon School ended up in a critical but stable condition when crashing his Segway x2 into the £150,000 trolley depot due to the distraction of Netto’s opening. He believed it was a new pet store. His father Thomas gave a statement regarding the incident: ‘we should of got him a hound, we thought he was happy with the garden fox’. Mrs Warrington was too distressed to speak.
One morbidly obese women of Byker Wall Newcastle, used the checkout conveyor belt as a treadmill while howling ‘hungry like the wolf!’, in which Oxford Lord Mayor John Goddard believed she 'obviously smoked something’. Upon learning that the women was from the notorious Newcastle Byker Wall, and her fiancé, an ex convict, had attempted to steal 17 cinnamon whirls, Goddard added, ‘well that explains it, but Lord knows how those block of flats still stand with her in it’. The conveyor belt in question later collapsed.
Dementia sufferer Audrey Norris 87, of Kennington, became distressed upon learning there was no complimentary puppy with her shopping. This poignant announcement led to hyperventilation, in which she required a paper bag, but Netto staff could only provide her with a plastic Netto ‘bag for life’ as the Henry Hoover bag stock had not yet arrived. Later it was learnt that the interior of the bag had been lined with cocaine.
From the ostentatious opening to the thankful finish more than 25 adversities occurred, including: 5 strokes, 3 falls, 6 assaults, 7 traveller fights, 13 arrests, and 1 fire in the frozen dessert aisle. Jamie Oliver was arrested for the promotion of Sainsburys products at the event, while under the influence of Sainsburys Basics cider.
Though not to worry, it’s a happy ending. While the promised fireworks and celebratory spit roast never materialised, those left with a bitter taste after their experience at the Oxford opening, have been invited to the grand reopening of Bradford Netto - which had previously been burnt down by local youths.
Plans for Netto Xtra are currently in discussion.
