Mike McGough and his bride-to-be Natalie Burgess have announced via Facebook that they envisage their wedding day to be the “Main event of 2011”, and have advised friends and family that they can watch the royal wedding on iPlayer a couple of weeks after they have recovered from hangovers and tissue lacerations obtained during the celebration of their special day.
At 10am sharp the groom will enter the George Hotel in Stockport town centre to engage in a minor scuffle with Man City fans before drinking seven pints of Stella Artois and having the traditional “Knob-Head” tattoo imprinted on his arse whilst drinking a bottle of Baileys.
At 10.15 the groom will move-on the Navigation Inn for an al-fresco kebab followed by six pints of San Miguel and a packet of cheese and onion, and then will have an enormous slash on the A6 just near McDonalds, but fortunately just before the PCSO cycles down the hill.
Meanwhile his demure bride-to-be will be partaking of six tins of Gold Label whilst shagging Gary, the groom’s best man, who claims he has an “Upset tummy” and cannot join the groom’s parade.
At 11am the party will enter Stockport registry office, famed for its Manhattan-like vista, and accompanied by witnesses will puke over the wedding register and sign it using a marker pen which is capable of cutting through stomach juices.
At 12.30 the wedding party will transfer to the Crispy Cod take-out, situated conveniently close to the registry office where guests will be treated to a lavish feast of chips and curry before retiring to the George Hotel for a fight and drunken insults.
Carriages to collect guests are expected at 2pm, but it may be later depending on the demand for Tactical Aid Squad vehicles.