David Cameron has announced that Britain will be invading every nation on earth in a bid to please those who criticise the selective nature of Britain's foreign military interventions. While the government was quick to garner a coalition in response to the problems in Libya, many commentators were troubled by the lack of action in countries with similar unrest such as Bahrain, alleging there may be ulterior motives underpinning our foreign policy decision-making.
At a hastily arranged press conference, Cameron revealed he was sick of people who think Britain only picks certain fights and declared he has Cabinet backing to start a worldwide military campaign. Wearing an ill-fitting army uniform the Prime Minister began his presentation alongside a map of the world in 2012 titled “The United Kingdom of Kingdoms” with every country coloured pink.
"Look," said the Prime Minister, "I know this is not the time to be starting air, ground and, where possible, sea invasions against the rest of the world, especially given the financial problems in the UK right now. But I'm afraid whether these countries are trade partners or sworn enemies, we're going in. We have to be seen to treat everyone equally".
Manpower was thought to be an issue with attacks planned on so many fronts, but, inspired by the Government's Big Society plans, the entire population will be conscripted. It turns out the recent census had little do with the regional provision of public services, but was in fact an operation by the MOD to establish the population of Britain and therefore the size of its army. Those respondents who classified themselves as Jedi Knights are in for a shock as they will be supplied with a light sabre and charged with bringing down the Republican Guard of Iran.
"The so-called peaceniks are always suggesting other countries more deserving of intervention," continued Cameron, "so we'll be looking to utilise their passion to lead our campaign in the states with the most questionable human rights records, such as Zimbabwe, Saudi Arabia and the US."
Shortly before the end of the press conference the Prime Minister received a call from Paris to declare the French had already surrendered. "Plus ça change, eh?" said Cameron. "But it does free up a squadron of hairdressers we had lined up to conquer the frogs."
