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Man's attempt at conversation with US customs official flops

(23 posts) (11 voices)

Started 2 years ago by MC One R
Latest reply from Vertically Challenged Giant

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MC One R

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Brian Evans, a taxi driver from Nantwich attempted a little easy banter at US Passport Control yesterday.

Mr Evans, 38, was arriving at JFK in New York to visit his sister for a few days and was presenting his passport to the moustachioed, epauletted, hat-wearing goon when he mistakenly believed that an icebreaker would be the best way to build rapport following the officer's early opening statement of "good morning sir".

'I thought it would kick things off nicely' said Brian, 'I thought he would see the clear joke when I said that all Americans are traitors to the British crown and the War of Independence was nothing more than a terrorist campaign. But no, all I got was an icy stare and a request to step into a small windowless side rom for "further questions".'

Posted 2 years ago #
SteveCut

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This one has the ring of truth to it. Been to the States lately, MC?
Or should that be, Brian?

Posted 2 years ago #
MC One R

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Loosely based on a personal experience of the lack of humour in "Homeland Security" as I believe it's called now.

Posted 2 years ago #
Anonymous

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Manchester security seem to like to make white and black teenagers take their hats off, but let burkas stride on through.

Posted 2 years ago #
BillyBitzer

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“Is it your intention to overthrow the government of the United States by force?”
“Sole purpose of visit”

Posted 2 years ago #
John Wiltshire

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When I go to Windsor Ontario (that's in Canada, Mr Cameron), I fly in to Toronto airport, which is 4 hours away, and then travel down to Windsor by road.
on the other hand, Detroit is literally across the river, and from Detroit airport to Windsor is about a 15 minute drive. However, by the time you've negotiated US customs, who have clearly been trained at Guantanamo Bay, you find that it would have been a lot quicker to go via Toronto...

Posted 2 years ago #
Vertically Challenged Giant

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I've never been to the US but somebody was telling me that the form that you have to fill in has questions like:

"Are you planning on engaging in any terrorist activity during your visit?"

I wonder if any overly honest terrorists have ever answered yes to that before realising their mistake. Or is it there so that if somebody answers no, but then engages in terrorist activity, as well as charging them with terrorism they can charge them with fraud too?

Posted 2 years ago #
John Wiltshire

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It's like that question you get at check in, when they ask if you've packed your bags yourself. I have such trouble resisting the temptation to say 'No, it was my friend Osama', or 'No, the butler did it,' or 'Yes, I packed the explosives personally.'

Posted 2 years ago #
Ostsee

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Just claim the air traffic controller was asleep and you are traumatised.

Posted 2 years ago #
beau-jolly

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My family had to pass through San Fransisco on their way to London from their home in New Zealand. They had to go through the EU passport bit but my 5 week-old great-niece has a Kiwi passport and had to go through a seperate chanel. Of course the UK passport holders couldn't go through there with her. Much scratching of heads.
"Are you, or have you ever been, a torrorist?" "Ga ga goo, sport"

Posted 2 years ago #
SteveCut

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The first (and only) time I drove across from the U.S. to Canada, the U.S. border compound was completely deserted, so I thought, 'Oh, just like Europe then, just drive through - after all, the U.S. and Canada are great allies aren't they?' So on I drove. Suddenly a siren started up and I thought, 'Hello, what's going on?' Then I realized that as my car was the only one there, maybe the siren was for my benefit? I hurriedly did a 'U' turn and spent some time trying to convince the U.S. border guards that I wasn't trying to Checkpoint Charlie them. It seemed incomprehensible to them that nations might have unmanned border points. They certainly didn't want to believe me.

Edit: Just remembered the first thing the guy said to me: "Do you usually just drive through border crossings?" To which I could only reply honestly: "Actually, yes."

Clueless! If they want people to stop why don't they have a barrier? Or would that cut down on the fine money?

Posted 2 years ago #
John Wiltshire

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Same thing happened to a friend. She drove through what looked like an unmanned checkpoint, and 300 yards down the road her car was stopped by a couple of police cars, and she was faced with SIX cops, all with guns pointing at her. They were convinced she was at least Osama Bin Laden's evil older sister, intent on single-handedly destryoing the good ol' US of A. After several hours of interrogation, they eventually released her, and slapped a $3,000 fine on her. She hired an attorney (whatever that is) and got it reduced to $300.
We should do the same for any Scots or Welsh that dare to set foot in the fair country of England...

Posted 2 years ago #
MC One R

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For the "Land of the Free" they sure are keen on being as unwelcome as possible.

Posted 2 years ago #
Nick McCarr

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You've got to watch out for the "moral turpitude" as well.

Posted 2 years ago #
MC One R

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When I first went there I was filling in the form on the plane and realised I didn't know what turpitude meant. I kinda assumed it was probably a bad thing.

"Have you been a member of the Nazi party between 1933-1945?" I believe is another question they ask.

Posted 2 years ago #
bonjonelson

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>My family had to pass through San Fransisco on their way to London from their home in
>New Zealand. They had to go through the EU passport bit but my 5 week-old great-niece
>has a Kiwi passport and had to go through a seperate chanel. Of course the UK
>passport holders couldn't go through there with her. Much scratching of heads.

Never been my experience. My ex-wife had a non-EU passport and we could both go through the 'Non-UK' channel, until we were told that as I had a UK passport we could go through
the UK/EU passport channel together as well - so (as frequent travellers) from then on we just went through whichever section had the shortest queues* - never once had any problems at heathrow or gatwick.

* - of course taking note of the fact that the queue moves quicker in the UK/EU section

Posted 2 years ago #
Vertically Challenged Giant

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I'm thinking there could be some mileage in the "Have you been a member of the Nazi party" etc questions as a story here. A new census type survey asking every member of the population if they intend to commit any crimes, then pre-emptively arresting those who are and making 90% of the police force redundant. Kind of like a low-tech minority report.

I might have a crack at writing something if I can find time. Or be bothered.

Posted 2 years ago #
John Wiltshire

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Asking if someone is a member of the BNP on the census form could be useful, as you could then go round there and shoot them. Saves time shouting at the telly when some racists from east London have elected one as a councillor.

Posted 2 years ago #
bonjonelson

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I always assumed the questions on the form were so that if you were found guilty of a terrorist attrocity in the US, you could be jailed for 60 years for that, and a further 120 years for ticking the wrong box on your entry form.

Posted 2 years ago #
John Wiltshire

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We should have the American system of investigating crimes here as well.
On the fateful day of 9/11, when 2 aeroplanes and 2 skyscrapers exploded into a trillion specks of dust, the investigation team found the ringleader's passport - intact - in the carnage the same afternoon! Nice going, guys!

Posted 2 years ago #
rikkor

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1.) If you have never been to the US, please keep up the good work.
2.) Yes, Canada is the right place for you, keep up the good work. You will be thrilled with your common bond of no tipping and no dental work.
3.) Are some of you forgetting all the "if you see something, say something" anti-bomb signs in your subways (Underground)?

I am ashamed that our own US passport forms use the evil DD/MM/CCYY format. I always fill it in our own MM/DD/CCYY format just to be an ass. Why should we adapt our ways to those of Johnny Foreigner?

Posted 2 years ago #
John Wiltshire

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I'm glad to see you hate foreigners almost us much as we English. A few more centuries' practice and you'll be there.
As for the 'If you see something, say something' bit - have you tried saying something to a bored London underground employee, even if you can find one?

Posted 2 years ago #
Vertically Challenged Giant

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I decided I could be bothered and found time, so I've had a crack at something based on the 'are you planning on committing terrorism' type of question here:

http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=24047

I think the idea has potential but not sure I've done it justice.

Posted 2 years ago #

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