Rowan Williams confirmed last night he'd turned down a "five-figure donation to the organ fund" in return for intoning "This is your sky pilot speaking. Please watch the following safety demonstration carefully - even if you're a regular churchgoer" at the Middleton/Windsor wedding.
'It would have been such a hoot, yah' said an anonymous source close to a young royal. 'Pelly and the other ushers had life jackets, whistles and everything. "The nearest exit may be behind you in the west transept. In the event of landing in the font please remove large haberdashery before using the inflatable life raft" - hilarious!'
Miss Middleton appeared resigned to constant reminders of her mother's air hostess past, but Prince William was less amused. 'My bloody brother needs kicking sometimes' he said. 'l've already had to cancel Scooch playing at the reception, and expunged "has Wills taken her up for a test spin?" from his speech. None of his damn business! But, for the record, I have given her flaps a pre-flight check'.