A government inquest into children's nursery rhymes claims to have uncovered some shocking truths, suggesting that the rhymes are 'dangerous, misleading, inaccurate and often deadly' as well as causing a disadvantage to the children of those parents that use them. It goes on to state that the effects of Rhyming often go unnoticed, with users claiming that it is only themselves that it effects, but when we look deeper it is obvious that this is simply not the case.
'There has been an dark undercurrent of rhyming for hundreds of years but people simply turn a blind eye to it and this has to stop, the public as a whole need to come together to prevent the spread of this cancer, this a problem that affects every sector, from the rich and privileged all the way through to our country's poorest occupants,' stated department's head researcher, Itsy Green.
'If left unchecked, the rhyming is going to win. Rhyming is a disease of the brain, changing brain chemistry within the left temporal lobe. Basically the rhymes get stuck in people's heads. Aside from the obvious behavioural consequences of this, the negative effects on a person’s health are potentially devastating and, if combined with whistling, their popularity in a workplace can be seriously compromised.'
She went on to explain that is not necessarily while kids are young that the effects of passive Rhyming reveal themselves,
'The problem is kids take this advice into adulthood; Driving makes many people happy but clapping whilst driving can have disasterous consequences, furthermore some parents have been hanging children in cradles at the top of trees to get them to sleep and the threat posed by Goosey, goosey gander to atheist pensioners is plain to see.'
Miss Green also pointed out many rhymes with less obvious, but possibly just as serious, connotations.
'Suggestions that an owl and a pussycat could happily share the same small boat can only lead to the injury and loss of many beloved family pets, aswell as leaving many children scarred for life.'
'Some rhymes are more dangerous when mixed,' She continued, 'the fact that spiders are attracted to curd and enjoy drainpipes during wet weather when mentioned apart contain little threat, however combine these and you have an A and E department full of wet children with broken legs covered in lemon flavoured dessert. Not a pretty sight.'
When questioned on the subject the Prime minister suggested that the Government needed to act to cut down on Rhyming in our society but must be careful not to alienate those people already caught within its grasp;
'Rhyming is instilled too deeply into the British culture for it to be outlawed in one swoop but rhyming in any indoor public place will be banned and any books containing rhymes will have to be wrapped in the nondescript packaging and not stored on display. We are also looking at increasing the Rhyming age and bringing in big fines for anyone caught providing Rhymes to anyone under it. Furthermore local councils are being urged to provide free sessions for rhymers that would like to stop and sound proofing is being provided for the rooms used for these sessions, to prevent any possible contamination.'
The report is not all negativity, there are some rhymes with which the watchdog are pleased, statistics suggest that children subjected to repeated doses of Humpty-Dumpty are less likely to fall off walls, although they do tend to grow up with a distain for the royal family, and 'London Bridge is falling down' has reduced congestion on this busy London thoroughfare.
The watchdog is currently still working on its findings with the effects of 'Hey Diddle Diddle' and 'the Grand old Duke of York' proving particularly difficult to fathom.