Tragic EastEnders star and reality TV legend Mandy Bellamy was forced to cancel the launch of her blockbuster debut novel, Being Mandy, after she failed to recall a single traumatic event from her past. Without a suddenly remembered stalker horror episode, or a deadbeat dad, or lovechild given up for adoption, publishig experts feared she lacked a substantial enough platform for a publicity push.
Hard working PRs at her publisher, Harper House, had lined up a series of TV and radio appearances, followed by interviews with a fawn of Britain's most sycophantic celeb magazines. But it was all to prove to no avail, as Mandy was unable to fabricate a tragic backstory that might grab the attention of the book buying public. Right up to the last minute, Mandy and her team of advisors had worked tirelessly to create the right tragic event. The original premise was that a stalker had plagued Mandy when she was on East Enders, and she'd battled on regardless, despite getting no support whatsoever from heartless BBC bosses. But, at the last minute, it turned out someone else on the show had recently used that story to publicise their book, and it was too close too much of a co-incidence. It then dawned on Mandy that almost every storyline in the publicity book - such as rejection, tragedy, unrequited love - had already been used by a celebrity to launch a book recently.
"There are millions of celebrity sob stories, but these can all be categorized as one of only seven types," explained a top publicist. "If Mandy was forced to have implants, and subseqently won a modelling contract, that would be a classic example of Mandy Against Nature. But If Mandy had to give a producer a blowjob to launch her showbiz career, that story type would be Mandy Against Bureaucracy."
Tragically, Mandy was unable to think of a single interesting event in her life, prior to becoming an East Enders actress and Reality TV show legend.
Last night brave Mandy braveky joked with reporters about her plight. "My mum said to me, surely Mand, if you've written a novel, you must have some talent for making up stories. Couldn't you think one up?" said Mandy. "Bless her. She just doesn't know this business."
Even the legendary Dr FMS,