The UK's ageing franchise, 'Milk', is set for a Hollywood movie style reboot following long negotiations with Warner Bros and Batman director Chris Nolan, says rights-owner The Dairy Council.
Milk's flagging image has left customers disenchanted, according to Council spokesman Mike Turnbull, with many former fans turning their backs: "Takings have slumped and customers have been choosing alternatives, with some going as far as 'I'll have mine black'," he said. "Even beleaguered Star Trek fans clung on through the desperate 'rescuing the planet with time-travelling blue whales' thing, so we must be in real shit."
Since Milk's inception in the late 1930s it has undergone many image changes, trying to keep touch with current trends, but it has struggled to distance itself from the particularly memorable 'camp' period. "We really need to get away from the 60s version," said Turnbull. "When you think 'Milk', you think of our former cheeky chappie image -- Robin Askwith winking at a bored housewife in her negligee, or Benny Hill in milkie's whites slapping a bald man on the head."
"Our funky 80s reimagining with 'Gotta Lotta Bottle', courtesy the wonderful Tim Burton, worked to a limited degree, but legwarmers can only carry any franchise so far," he said. "It all needs wiping from the public consciousness and Hollywood has shown us that the only sure-fire way to do that is with a brand new back story which conveniently ignores all of the previous incarnations and accepted wisdom."
'Milk: Rebirth' will be full of 'exciting new ideas', Turnbull claims, with Nolan's unique vision set to give the genre a darker, more foreboding image. "This darker, moodier Milk will be depicted as the product of a fraught breastfeeding incident," he explained. "Powerful, but ultimately flawed -- in possession of many redeeming qualities but still something to avoid if you're on a diet or lactose intolerant."
"On the whole, we're aiming to be less 'Road Runner' more 'Blade Runner' -- souping up our doorstep deliveries with sleek new floats painted gunmetal black; padded 'muscular' uniforms to hide the occasional touch of middle-age spread; even a utility belt for emergency yogurt and eggs. People will certainly think twice about overtaking us ever again," he said excitedly. "Or at least they will once we get those spiked wheels through their health and safety tests."