With the long anticipated switchover from flares and bell-bottoms to the more up-to-date drainpipe scheduled for tomorrow, residents of the Isle of Wight have only a few hours before their current trousers become obsolete, local officials are warning.
‘T-Day is upon us,’ town crier and sartorial policy maker Marvin Burridge told a torch-bearing mob. ‘Failure to change over in a timely manner will result in a noticeable degradation in your street-cred. To put it simply you might not be able to receive all the compliments about your fashion sense that you are used to.’
Residents have been subjected to a high-profile advertising campaign for months, with leaflets explaining the need to upgrade to a more fashionable, tighter-fitting trouser. Islanders lucky enough to own a television and not be accused of witchcraft have also been able to watch public information films, aired usually between Pop of the Pops and the Tomorrow People, featuring Pantsy - a cute robot who helps bemused locals make the necessary changes to their wardrobe.
Critics have accused the authorities of acting too quickly, arguing that the island’s two-legged heritage is at stake. ‘The elderly and vulnerable have not been given enough time and information,’ claimed one anti-switch campaigner. ‘Some folks are still doddering around in their demob suits – to them the sight of a person wearing a stonewashed jeans and a T-shirt under their jacket is enough to cause severe palpitations at the very least.’
Burridge however dismisses this argument and remains firm in his belief that if the Isle of Wight is to move with the times, its residents' leg wear must move also. ‘The time when those on the mainland mocked us for our old-fashioned ways is gone, for the switchover will bring us bang up to date to the 1980’s – a mere 30-odd years behind the rest of the country.’ Despite this hard-line approach, the council has also pledged to listen to local concerns and have pledged to stop short at introducing day-glo socks, while mullets will be optional.