Aspiring MPs from all parties are literally tying themselves in knots to pander to the electorate. 'From a three sheets breezer shank to a granny half-hitch, they'll contort themselves into something that looks like what they imagine the public wants,' says a Westminster insider.
A quick survey of Labour's Parliamentary offices suggests there's a tie for most popular knot between the reality-and-time warp (advanced string theory: everyone knows the name but no one sees how it could possibly result in fishnets) and the round down turn switch knot. Tory candidates admit an old school tie for the overbearing underhand throttle knot and the limp fox fisting gibberous.
'People are always telling me to get knotted,' says Tory hopeful, Quentin Smythe-Fforde. 'I aim to give my constituents what they need at this election – and what they deserve.' Mr Smythe-Fforde is hoping to perfect a stranglewank brazilian badger in time for hustings. 'I used to be a boy scout. "Be prepared" is still my motto.'
The Lib Dems have a Cable in place with a Clegg cleat: 'A twistless, straightforward take on Schrödinger's cat's cradle: you have to elect it to find out if it exists or not.' The Green Party were braiding with hemp but were fined for smoking.
If potential MPs think knotty problems demand knotty interventions the public is less than impressed. 'I've never seen such a tangled mess of policies,' says veteran MumsNet user, Linda Pugh. Let's hope they can repair the frayed economy and knit a safety net for the poorest kids. But our best bet is they're so hopeless they knot nooses for their own necks. Hang the lot of them!'