Britain's chief constables have today jointly announced that anyone reporting a crime will now be charged with wasting police time. "We've tried for many years to use 'civil matter', 'crime reference number' and other such kindly phrases to deter well-meaning folks who waste police time with crimes," said Sir Paul Stephenson, head of the Met. "But now the time has come to take a tougher line. From now on we willno hesitate to prosecute offenders, to keep the police's time free for donuts, paperwork and harassing motorists and black people."
The Home Secretary welcomed the move, saying that it was "vital" that police were no longer inconvenienced with actual crimes, even if this did mean a rise in the prison population as large numbers of people would be sent to jail for having the audacity to suggest that the police should get off their lazy arses and actually do some work.