Music legend and king of rock ‘n’ roll Elvis Presley has made a sensational return to the limelight today, following the demise of sensationalist tabloid newspaper the Sunday Sport and partner paper the Daily Sport.
Touching down at his private Gracelands airstrip, Presley, 76, greeted well-wishers and reporters alike from his specially-converted vintage World War II bomber. ‘Uh-thankyouverymuch,’ muttered The King, before launching into one of his trademark karate moves. ‘It’s great to be back,’ he continued, ‘perhaps now I can, uh, get on with my life in peace - yeah.’
Elvis fans, who have long blamed the Sunday Sport for causing his self-imposed exile to the moon after a journalist for the then fledgling red-top alleged that the Blue Hawaii star had faked his own death in 1977, are said to be feeling ‘vindicated.’ ‘From the moment Elvis embarked on a covert mission for the CIA he was hounded by two-bit hacks,’ said one long-term devotee, ‘and the Sunday Sport was at the forefront. Now that rag is finished he can get back to leading a normal life as an international megastar-cum-intelligence agent of near-god status.’
The return of The King has sparked scenes of worldwide euphoria, greater even than the celebrations spontaneously erupted across Britain when it was announced that The Sport had folded on April 1st. However this historic event has been tinged with sadness for Elvis, who recently learned of the death of fellow singer Kirsty McColl: ‘aw man that’s a real drag. I met her whilst workin’ in a chip shop (even on the moon a guy has to make ends meet and they made real nice fries) and we become real good friends – rest in peace darlin', rest in peace.’
Elvis is not the first long-lost cult figure to return since the printing press stopped rolling for The Sport. Within hours of the announcement, a fully-clothed Linsey Dawn Mckenzie was spotted driving a double decker bus from a depot in the Antarctic, while the Loch Ness monster has put an end to decades of speculation by coming out as gay.
Since returning from his luxury lunar penthouse, Presley has vowed to lead a quiet life: ‘I think it’s time I settled down – maybe I’ll cut back on the cheeseburgers and ease up on the pills a little. Perhaps I’ll look up Priscilla or kinda return the favour to Tommy Steele and show him the sights of Memphis. Yeah – from now on y’all get no more surprises from lil’ ol’ me… Oh, Marilyn and Adolf say hi by the way.’