In an unexpected and surprising decision today, it was announced that Simon Cash’s turkey farm, near Cromer in Norfolk, will be fully behind the celebration of Christmas in 2011.
The decision is all the more unusual, as farmer Cash had gone through what he described as a ‘proper, appropriate and thorough, decision making process’, involving all members of the flock of turkeys, the chickens and the sheep and the pigs. Simon’s wife, Paula and the Turkey House manager Jake Crawley, had been in charge of the lengthy consultation with the animals. They had reported back to the final meeting in April.
There was some descent amongst the Tamworth pigs, who were often ‘trouble’. Many of them felt ‘a hidden threat’ of being sent early to the abattoir, some referred to ‘a smell if fried bacon on the air’, so they decided to tone down their comments by saying that there were both advantages and disadvantages to Christmas, but that promoting the consumption ‘pigs in blankets’ was going a bit too far.
The sheep were happy to go along with whatever Farmer Cash, wanted. “After all it’s his farm; he makes the decisions” said one ewe, and then all the other sheep repeated it, several times. The chickens had nothing to say and just kept their heads down, feding on the grubs and crumbs.
In the turkey house, things were different. For months, they had been fed up with hearing all the ‘Turkey’s don’t vote for Christmas’ jokes, repeated ad nauseum by Jake the Turkey House manager, and they became increasingly excited about the opportunity to involve themselves in a free and fair democratic process.
“You mean we’ll really get the opportunity to vote for or against Christmas?” asked one outspoken turkey.
“Well, I wouldn’t say we’re going that far” said Jake, “but there will be a consultation, and some of you will have the opportunity to make a day trip to the zoo to visit turkeys with an alternative lifestyle.
Jake went on to explain about Christmas: how all the children would miss their presents, how it is essential for the economy to sell ‘all that junk that Chinese people have made’; how nobody would eat Brussels sprouts without meat, and how farmer Cash wouldn’t make much money if turkeys were against Christmas.
The turkeys tried to point out that Jake was only looking at the issue from a biased human perspective and that the views of the turkeys might differ from humans. One of the turkeys even organised a petition, which many of the turkeys signed. At the end of their brief consultation the Turkeys felt that they had made a good, well-argued case against Christmas.
At the final meeting in April, Mr Cash and his team collated the views of the animals: the grumpy pigs, the sheep and the chickens. Mr Cash asked Jake for the views of the Turkeys. “Nothing but unintelligible gobbledegook” said Jake. So it was decided that Christmas would go ahead and that there would be special promotional offers on Turkey Twizzlers and a really good pork stuffing.