In a bid to trump Fulham’s controversial Michael Jackson statue, Chelsea owner, Roman Abramovich, has today announced plans for a Gary Glitter statue at Stamford Bridge.
Although designs are still in their early stages, insiders at the London club have hinted that, due to an almost limitless budget, the statue will likely incorporate the latest technology in an effort to out-do the realism of Fulham’s recent erection.
“Motion sensors in the eyes will allow Gary’s gaze to track any children in the immediate area, while sophisticated face-mapping algorithms will allow the statue to recognise trade-mark symmetrical features of attractive kids and respond appropriately. Well, inappropriately.” chuckled Chelsea’s in-house designer.
“Once a child has taken the statue’s fancy, motors in the arms will allow it to beckon them over, at which point sweets will be dispensed from the crotch area; showering the child thanks to a powerful pelvic thrusting mechanism. It’s just a bit of fun really.”
Commenting on the likelihood of the statue causing controversy, Chairman Bruce Buck was unconcerned. “We’re proud of our status as the most hated club in the country so this statue is well in keeping with our ethos. Plus, if any children do make it inside, we’ll have Ashley Cole ready and waiting with an air rifle.”