George Osborne has today confirmed that this month’s Retail Price Index figures will be late due to the fact that he chose the wrong queue whilst gathering inflation data in Asda last week.
‘It was a nightmare’ complained the Chancellor. ‘I thought I’d done well by not going behind an elderly lady with a trolley full of cat food as I thought she’d probably pay in loose change (all she has left from her pension after paying her gas bill I expect) and instead went for the one where a man was buying some reasonable upper-middle class items such as a bottle of champagne and a Daily Telegraph. But then there was a bar-code missing and someone had to go and look for one, they needed a supervisor to approve the alcohol sale and they ran out of till roll.’
Mr Osborne, fed up of waiting, then tried to use a self-service till but was unable to make it work without his usual shopping partner Danny Alexander’s help and gave up. ‘I did look in through the door of Aldi’ he admitted, ‘but it was full of rough looking people and foreigners so I hurried on past. Of course, I usually get all my shopping at Harrods and Fortnum and Mason, but if I started doing the RPI monthly shop there it would look like inflation was even worse than it already is wouldn’t it!’
‘I’m going to try Tescos on the way home from work tonight’ he reassured reporters. ‘I don’t know why I didn’t try there in the first place – I’ll get loads of Clubcard points. I’ve nearly got enough for the weekend at Butlins I’ve been saving for. It’s great – I I’ve been getting more points lately since inflation and VAT went up. If I put it up a bit more I might be able to go to for a whole week.’