Failed satirist, Martin Shuttlecock, currently of no fixed abode, today heaped scorn on David Cameron's "perfectly clear" yet somewhat obfusticated announcement that he would deliver the British electorate the moon on a stick by 2014, by stating 'quite clearly' that he was quite clear regarding the apparent fact that David Cameron clearly "talks out of his arse."
Shuttlecock insisted quite clearly that there is no valid reason for the UK electorate to have something clearly foisted upon them which none of them really wanted anyway. Clearly or otherwise.
Supporters of the Moon On a Stick project insist that the benefits the scheme will afford the nation - such as lengthening donkey ride hours on Blackpool beach and greater control over cross channel ferries - through illicit tidal control, more than justify the investment required.
Some astronomers rallied in support of Shuttlecock's views, the most prominent of which were a group calling themselves the Jodrell Bankers, who insisted that planet Earth would just become a universal laughing stock if the earth was to become stuck to the moon with what would in effect be a giant lolly stick. Which would probably have to be based in some shit-hole Humberside town like Hull.
"If there are extra-terrestrials out there," a spokesman from the Jodrell Bankers announced. "Then they're going to piss themselves laughing when they see that the earth is attached to the moon by a big stick. We'll lose all credibility, and Hollywood will fall out with us because if we nick the moon, they won't be able to make any more of those poxy Twilight movies. We should be perfectly clear that this is just a bad idea,"
Shuttlecock himself stated that he was perfectly clear in his own mind that connecting the earth to the moon with a gigantic lolly stick was just about the most idiotic idea he'd ever heard of. Then he went down the pub and nobody's heard from him since.
More as we get it.
(Story inspired by the News Biscuit Guys on the NB forum.)