Scotland Yard has released figures today that show criminals are by-passing the ‘state’ jail post-code lottery and committing crimes in areas that will better guarantee a place in one of the country’s new prestigious private jails.
Freddie ‘Mr Big’ Shields, spokesman for the Good Jails Guide, says that modern criminals ‘want the best education jail can provide for their children, and just like any caring parent will do their hardest to make sure their child wins that place’. One parent, who refused to be named but was prepared to should us his knuckle-duster and double Stanley-knife, commented that ‘every night for the last week, I have been driving Junior into Birmingham, helping him break in to some lock-up garages, and then calling the police myself to make sure he gets knicked at the right time. I mean, I know its against the spirit of the law, but in the private jails there are smaller class sizes for woodwork and the she-bitches not only have prettier mouths but can conjugate all their Latin verbs’.
G4S, who have taken on the contract for HMP Birmingham, refused to comment on the figures but have now changed their selection procedure to include new entrants doing a bad 1970’s impression of Lenny Henry to ensure that local criminals are given first-choice preference.