Security in and around the new 2012 Olympic stadium in Stratford, East London, has been stepped up today after fears of an increase in white elephant poaching were confirmed following the discovery of the butchered corpse of the Millennium Dome.
Wardens, who discovered the slaughtered structure while patrolling the Greenwich peninsula in South East London, believe that poachers tracked and shot the Millennium Dome in the early hours of this morning. ‘By the time we got there it was too late,’ lamented head warden Trevor McCormac, ‘she’d obviously been hacked up and was left to lie there, haemorrhaging money – it’s barbaric.’
The Millennium Dome, or O2 Arena as she’s fondly known by locals, is not the first white elephant to be slaughtered by poachers in recent years. As recently as last December, the butchered carcass of West Midlands Regional Fire Centre was discovered in Wolverhampton. Conservationists, such as Dr. Maria Shaw of the British White Elephant trust, believe that the killings show a worrying increase in the illegal superstructure trade. ‘The demand for ironwork in China and the Far East is becoming ever more insatiable. While that demand lasts, these beautiful budget-busting creatures are severely under threat.’
‘The White Elephant (Carbunculus Expensiveii) and its cousins the Vanity Project and the common or garden Folly have roamed Britain for thousands of years,’ said Shaw. ‘From the Aylesbury Circle to Spaghetti Junction these magnificent institutions have lumbered across the country, casually consuming tax-payers' money and fearing only the predations of the government auditor. But if we don’t act soon these gentle monsters will become extinct – and then what’ll we have to complain about?’
In an effort to protect the few remaining native white elephants, the British Architectural Society is hiring hundreds of new wardens to protect these expensive eyesores. From the Liverpool Ferry Terminal to the Cambridgeshire Guided Busway, guards have been patrolling round-the-clock, pausing only to collect donations for renovation work. Meanwhile, Ranger McCormac is confident that his team will be able to keep the Olympic Stadium, Britain’s newest arrival in the white elephant family, safe from harm: ‘the Olympic Park is fast becoming home to a veritable herd of white elephants and we are dedicated to protecting them – a ten-million pound overspend and a crippling completion penalty cause notwithstanding.’