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Blair leaves massive turd in Starmer's toilet

Tony Blair has left a huge neoliberal turd festering in Keir Starmer's toilet on a recent visit to Downing Street, it has been revealed.

ChrisF

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Flies deny they have no common sense

A spokesfly has hit out strongly at claims that flies lack basic common sense. ‘Look, we only live for a couple of weeks, a month tops, so the complete works of Shakespeare would be a push, but we have artists. Oh yeah. Brian, one of my siblings, made up a new buzzing sound. Who knows what else he might have invented if that spider hadn’t got him on Day 9? Taken too soon.

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Today's news flash from The White House

A peace deal is imminent, says Donald Trump. It's so imminent that it might happen in the next five minutes. It's even more imminent that yesterday's imminent peace deal and the one from the day before that. It could be agreed in a flash, says the President. All that's needed is for Iran to stop demanding stupid things for themselves, and agree to give us the very sensible things that we want. What is the matter with them? Has religious extremism damaged their brains?

deskpilot

Expert raises alarm but Government says it’s all fine

An expert has raised the alarm over something or other serious but a Government spokesperson told NewsBiscuit ‘We have spent £25 billion over this Parliament to address the challenges raised in this report so everything’s fine’.

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition 29th May 2026

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away …

Winner Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away … robfalconer Runners Up So I can certainly explain what your test results mean, but first hand over the cash sirlupus Sure, privatization has its challenges, but you were going to be dead soon enough anyway. agstilp Just ignore the Channel 4 film crew while I check for yeast infection Sinnick

Health and safety gone mad as new version of clackers banned

WINNER: Health and safety gone mad as new version of clackers banned apepper RUNNERS UP... ITV News dumbs down its graphics approach to show a major swing against Labour robfalconer They'll be fine now. Pub? Midfield Diamond Middle-class parents training children as young as three to be swing voters. sydalg You're right, this is the hardest job in the world. joe

Breaking News

Reform to bring back crappy weather

Macca working on new song; When I'm 84

Residents of Moon's first housing estate complain about all the potholes

Blair unites Labour: all agree he should f*** off

Girls are loud, says Nicola Roberts on birth of her daughter

Sturgeon: he said the coffee machines were from Argos

Murrell qualifies for Reform shadow cabinet

German YouTuber places towel on hill at 6am to retain cheese rolling title

Features

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

May 2025 Back in May 2025. the Reform Party won 677 council seats out of around 1,600 up for grabs. Sound familiar? And a Chinese player beat the British player in the World Snooker final. Déjà vu? And Council Tax went up by 5% and inflation went up. Is 2026 just 2025 on repeat? And the Bank of England cut interest rates. OK. Maybe not. In the UK, the government announced 1,400 early prisoner releases so that we could punish more recent crimes, and Keir Starmer made one

NewsBiscuit

Cartoons

The surface of the Moon ... some time soon

Nigel explains doublethink

Watch out! It's dickhead weather

Trump channels Father Ted

From the Archive

Audience Flocks To Concert By Singing Quartet Who Didn't Actually Bother To Turn Up Themselves

'Here's to ABBsent friends!', the audience were heard to be chanting opening concert by the 70s singing quartet who...er...weren't actually there but will still be winners by taking it all financially. The singers' failure to be present in person, but just as ABBAtars rather than ABBA stars, is being described as an ABBeration. Image: Pixabay/pasja1000 www.newsbiscuit.com First published 28 May 2022 If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories f

Computer hacker 'spoofs' Conservative Party 1922 Committee inbox

A devious computer hacker has set up an account called VoteOfNoConfidence@1922_Committee.co.uk which looks all genuine and everything. Known in hackerworld as a 'spoof', Conservative politicians have been duped into submitting their votes of no confidence in Prime Minister Boris Johnson to this email address. 'Tories are notoriously lazy,' said the unnamed hacker. 'They just can't be arsed to do anything for anyone else, never mind follow the official submission process of de

Johnson Creates Two New Regulators -OffHead and OffT*ts - In Whitehall Shake-up

It has been announced that two new wholly independent regulatory bodies are to be established, in the public interest. The Office of Hospitality, Enjoyment and Alcoholic Drinks (OffHead) will have a broad remit and terms of reference. It will have responsbility for both quality - no rubbish plonk at official gatherings - and value for money, e.g. are extra discounts available from selected retailers for bulk purchasing of 3 suitcases or more. OffHead will have a partner autho

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

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Politics

Today's news flash from The White House

Blair leaves massive turd in Starmer's toilet

Tony Blair has left a huge neoliberal turd festering in Keir Starmer's toilet on a recent visit to Downing Street, it has been revealed.

Expert raises alarm but Government says it’s all fine

Peter Murrell to be stripped of Scottish citizenship

A pressure group is agitating for Peter Murrell to be declared UnScottish and stripped of Scottish citizenship. 'It's not so much the alleged embezzlement,' said Jock Onn, of the pressure group. 'it's what he spent the money on. 'No self respecting Scot would spend £975 on three umbrellas. Actually, £325 for one umbrella is too much. Twenty quid max, I'd say. And £4795 for a pen, FFS. Which, I assume didn't work, as he then spend £4555 on a different pen.

Trump to build Arc de Stalemate in Washington DC

"No other city on earth has what I'm going to build here in our capital," crowed America's demented president. "I call it the Arc de Stalemate, and it will commemorate the many, many months that it's taken for me to reach any type of peace deal with Iran which isn't an admission of total failure on my part.

US Pollsters can't understand Trump's numbers

'Apparently he has 35% support from American voters,' said a veteran pollster, 'that seems 36% too high.'

Nigel Farage to release a cover version of 'I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles'

Words I make up, well, you know I'm that M P I'm the kind of man who makes up lies to you When I walk out, yeah, you know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who walks all over you If I get power, well, you know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who makes life bad for you Forget all health care, yeah, you know I'm gonna be I'm gonna privatise the health care meant for you

Red Arrows to be made from paper

As part of a cost cutting measure, the iconic flight team will be carefully constructed from paper and the occasional rubber band. They will represent the UK internationally by being mailed in a large envelope. Diplomatic missions now involve carefully unfolding them on arrival and apologising for any creases.

Labour's sunny weather bad for Britain, says Farage

"So we're having a few days of sunshine, and no doubt Labour will try and take credit for it ahead of the Makerfield by-election," Nigel Farage told reporters, while slapping on Rothmans Factor 50 sunblock.

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

The Department for Education has discovered that at least six Academy schools are sponsored by companies that are believed to be fronts for organised crime gangs. Supply teachers and ‘careers advisors’ single out vulnerable students for work experience in illegal gambling, gun running, drug distribution and prostitution. Students who do well are rewarded with doubles who take their exams for them, and may finish school with better qualifications than their peers – on paper a

Red Arrows to be made from paper

Labour's sunny weather bad for Britain, says Farage

National Trust blasts feckless oiks

The National Trust has blasted 'feckless oiks' for failing to visit its properties.

Literally no one surprised as Reform councillor sacked

An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets. After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition were surprised to come across a village of tribespeople who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world. However, the village headman Guaraná confirmed that none of them had been at all surprised by

Ballroom will come with playpen and pervert dungeon

A ballroom being built will now also include lots of things for perverts to do. No one really knows why there will be a dance floor, as the wretched psychopaths who will be invited to the gauche annex are so self-despising and bored with life that they are only interested in shoving things up themselves and others. The playpen had confused some speculators, but a pervert insider confirmed that is where the live food will be corralled. An area to the side is the childbrain of

Liverpool not chosen as stereotypical of Gotham City

We honestly had no idea what Liverpool was like, before setting it as Gotham City, the most crime-ridden city in Yankeeland, the producer of the next Batman film told Newsbiscuit. Standing next to the Batmobile perched on bricks, while the crew waited for replacement wheels to arrive, he went on to say “We’ve only been in town a couple of days, but I’m already liking Liverpool. Such a wonderful sense of humour the people here have.” image by Gemini Google

I want a Swatch outstrips Cost of Living as UK's top crisis

All the pain and suffering of life in modern Britain has been laid bare as the country's poorest jostle and fight to hand over £335 each for a plastic watch. "Sure, I'm on benefits and life is hard," said Dwayne Scally, jumping the queue outside a Swatch store in Liverpool to get a coveted "Royal Pop" pocket watch. "But life will be unbearable unless I get one of them mini-clock things to show me mates down the pub." "Then I'll flog it on eBay, probably, as well as the other

Stand off over baked potatoes

The government and M&S are at loggerheads over the price of baked potatoes. The government sees baked potatoes as a staple food and wants supermarkets to keep prices low, to ease the cost of living permacrisis. M&S sees their premium range gastropub Heston's Favourite super-indulgent baked potatoes as a luxury item. 'Yes,' said a spokesman, 'they ARE twenty pounds each. But it's not JUST a jacket potato... 'To be serious,' he continued, 'our profit margin on these jacket pota

I won't mouse for anyone but Keir, vows Larry

Downing Street mouser Larry the Cat has put his paw down over who occupies Number 10, saying that if Keir goes, he goes too. "There've been almost as many Prime Ministers through this door recently as I've got lives," muttered Larry, sitting on the front step, discontentedly licking his rear end. "Boris was the worst to mouse for. He and Charles Moore would just hurl them through the gates at the plebs passing by on Whitehall. "'Go on, you vermin!' they'd bray. "Have some ver

Warnings of 'Ghost brokers' targeting 16 to 25 year-olds with fake car insurance online

When your premium's high, and you don't know why Who you gon' call? (Ghost Brokers!) You got no cash, and then don't be rash Please don't call (Ghost Brokers!) I ain't afraid of no ghost I ain't afraid of no ghost If you cover's fake, you'll get no break You shouldn't call (Ghost Brokers!) You'll face a fine, or do jail time Because you called (Ghost Brokers!) I ain't afraid of no ghost Uh, I ain't afraid of no ghost Who you gon' call? (Ghost Brokers!) If your premium's grown

Science
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Lifestyle

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

Stand off over baked potatoes

This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

The UK has gone into hot weather hysteria as excitement builds towards this weekend’s hot spell. It began on Thursday evening when Tomasz Schafernaker was rushed to hospital muttering “80 centigrade, 80 centigrade, that’s unheard of”. Darren Bett was spotted frying an egg on the bonnet of his BMW and Helen Willetts cast aside her normally calm and measured demeanour to declare that next week the UK will be hotter than the sun. Of course, there is a serious side to these unusu

Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

"We were going to carry out massive strikes across the London Underground network, like you'd never believe," messaged Donald Trump on his social media platform Deceit Hostile. "We were going to use bunker busting bombs on the Bakerloo line and knock it right back to the Stone Age. "But my generals took one look at the intelligence images of Embankment station and told me it's pretty much in the Stone Age as it is. "So we'll be holding talks with the unions about enrichment.

Security warning about bogus roadworks

MI5 have flagged a serious security threat from bogus roadmenders. The service has noted over a dozen incidents where roadworks were carried out, but were not authorised by the local council, and were not traceable to a recognised utility company. The roadmenders vans often bear the names of genuine companies and claims to be working as subcontractors for legitimate companies, or for Thames Water. The signage, the traffic cones, and the complete absence of any work happening,

Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle

From NewsBiscuit special correspondent herculepoisson Marine biologists have today found a new form of crustacean with unprecedented qualities of adhesion. 'What's unique about this creature is that it is a land-based barnacle,' said Professor Steve Simpson of the University of Plymouth. 'It seems to adhere to exclusive central London properties and then refuse, under any circumstances, to relinquish its grip and leave.' The more common marine-based crustaceans are noted for

Vultures fail to gather as 150 WHSmith stores close

Bargain hunters are showing little interest in the closure of 150 high street shops that were formerly WHSmith, but are now branded WTFlip. 'Nah,' said Barry, a seasoned eBay seller. 'Even at 50% off, I can get any of those books cheaper on the internet. And if you want to risk writing your own will, then you can do that on the internet too. Greetings cards - who does that any more? Just give 'em a WhatsApp. Or get a cheaper card at Card Factory. 'The computer stock is well

Amazon delivers its first UK bombs by drone

Need some ammunition fast, on a sharp deadline to commit a war crime? Look no further, Amazon can deliver bombs right to your front door or your neighbour's head. Said one UK Minister, 'We've been struggling to export enough death to the Middle East, but thanks to this speedy service, we can now wreck mayhem 24/7. No footsteps. No fingerprints. No awkward conversations within the Hague.' Using the tagline "Set it. Forget it. Briefly regret it", the drones are the ultimate lab

Thames Water could win Turner Prize

The nominations for the 2026 Turner Prize have just been announced, include a surprise entry from Thames Water. While most of the nominations are from the usual list radical, up-and-coming, and angry young artists, the Thames Water entry is the first one by a company. Some artists are shocked (and angry), and believe that the corporate entry is a sell out that goes against the spirit of the prize. Thames Water were not able to give any details about the entry. 'Someone else h

Sinclair Spectrum failed because 'it was too woke'

On the 44th anniversary of the launch of the Sinclair Spectrum, aging gamers have been lamenting the loss of the iconic micro-computer online. 'If it was still supported it would run Twitter no problem, only nicer,' said one Spectrum fan. Another noted that 'it would have been a natural at emails, YouTube and PowerPoint, although saving to cassette might be a bit of a bind in this day and age. Apparently it failed not because of technological issues - ram pack wobble is now

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder. "Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive. "And that's just the seagulls. "Plus they make a racket m

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

A Qualifications Scotland spokesperson has defended a controversial Higher Maths paper after pupils said that it was "unrecognisable" from the paper they had prepared for in class. The pupils said that the wording of the questions was so confusing that they did not know what was being asked. Sir Humphrey responded: " A constriction of the channels of communication, that culminated in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis may have lead to the mix-

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'. Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies: Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not b

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

A middle manager is annoyingly and slightly weirdly insisting on calling even the most basic competence amongst his team their 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Reports suggest a Norfolk man has been arrested on his birthday, after mistaking a police detail arriving at his residence, to be an elaborate stripogram act.

Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire. Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks. But the savings did not stack up. To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st. ‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ s

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town. ‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting. I never thought that my collection would grow to be o

Today's Christmas Card report

Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000. Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear. Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8 Incorrect Addresses : 1 Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good. Self-made: 2, show offs, rising. Image credit: perchance.org

AI writed this headline: The future is now

It has been announced that the Isle of Wight’s best-selling free weekly ‘newspaper’ the Ventnor Harvester (not to be confused with the popular eatery) will be the first newspaper to be totally generated by AI with no human intervention whatsoever. Proprietor Muppet Murdoch said, ‘We are proud to be world leaders to take news publishing into the sunlit uplands of an exciting tomorrow. Our innovative and exciting AI news-gathering will anonymise from where we plagiarised – oop

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Britain's biscuit industry is reeling following the government's announcement that Police and Crime Commissioners will be scrapped.

Local News

Flies deny they have no common sense

Spurs seek open-top bus for “We’re Staying Up” parade

Tottenham Hotspur FC, having narrowly managed to remain in the Premier League, are looking for an open-top bus for their “We’re Staying Up” parade through north-west London.

Ballroom will come with playpen and pervert dungeon

Liverpool not chosen as stereotypical of Gotham City

Enhanced Games to ban clean athletes

Organisers of the Enhanced Games, which shoots up in Las Vegas on 24 May, have confirmed that any athlete found not to be using performance enhancing drugs will face instant disqualification. Enhanced Games spokesneedle, Crystal Meths, snorted: “We don’t like cheats. No one does. We are taking every measure possible to ensure that participating athletes are using illegal substances. We have already banned some athletes from attending because they were found to have traces of

Prince William sells off 20% of Cornwall-which is all of the pasty filling

The Prince of Wales is cashing in on the fact that a pasty is essentially a treasure chest where the treasure is edible and the chest is made of cardboard and sawdust. It’s the only food where the filling is the meal and the rest is concrete. The twenty percent represents all of the tasty part and the only recognisable section that be considered actual food—leaving us with a hollow shell of a crust, a bit like Prince Andrew. Said a Royal spokeswoman; 'The crust isn’t there fo

High Street crime unit targets fancy dress shops fronting possible illegal activities

The government has begun an investigative into fancy dress shops run by moustachioed, fez-wearing shopkeepers. An undercover operative, wearing a black lounge suit and bowler hat, left a house at 52 Festive Road, London, and visited a fancy-dress costume shop where he was invited to try on different outfits. He then left the shop, not by the front door, but through a 'magic' door at the back of the changing room and had adventures appropriate to his costume. When he returned

Chelsea 'magnificent and consistent' at FA Cup final losses

Chelsea Football Club has been granted special, unique status following a fourth consecutive cup final win avoidance. FA Executive Ron Mann confirmed, 'Starting next season, Chelsea will be proactively encouraged to not compete in further FA Cup matches. It's for their own good.' image from pixabay

An unlikely job swap for Sam Battle and Keir Starmer

In an unexpected move, Sam Battle and Keir Starmer are to swap jobs. Sam Battle, who underscored his musical talent at Eurovision, will take over as Prime Minister next week. Commentators say that he will bring a tremendous energy and enthusiasm to the role, which Keir Starmer has been unable to harness. He has said that he will continue to wear his trademark pink boiler suit for the duration of his premiership. He said that his main goal would be to ‘not make any U-turns’.

Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'

It was announced today that Hollywood has given the green light to a new all-action movie called “Return of the King'. The film tells the story of Andygorn, a wanderer in the political wilderness of The North who is revealed to be the true heir to the throne of Westminster. He is opposed in his quest by a strange, goblin-like creature called Keirllum, who keeps muttering that staying in power is 'precious' to him, though he seems to have no idea what to do with it. The relati

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Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Blair leaves massive turd in Starmer's toilet

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Flies deny they have no common sense

Today's news flash from The White House

Expert raises alarm but Government says it’s all fine

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Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition 29th May 2026

Then, when we opened you up again, we found the stethoscope straight away …

Health and safety gone mad as new version of clackers banned

Reform to bring back crappy weather

Macca working on new song; When I'm 84

Residents of Moon's first housing estate complain about all the potholes

Blair unites Labour: all agree he should f*** off

Girls are loud, says Nicola Roberts on birth of her daughter

Sturgeon: he said the coffee machines were from Argos

Murrell qualifies for Reform shadow cabinet

German YouTuber places towel on hill at 6am to retain cheese rolling title

Best of NewsBiscuit: May 2025

The surface of the Moon ... some time soon

Nigel explains doublethink

Watch out! It's dickhead weather

Trump channels Father Ted

Audience Flocks To Concert By Singing Quartet Who Didn't Actually Bother To Turn Up Themselves

Computer hacker 'spoofs' Conservative Party 1922 Committee inbox

Johnson Creates Two New Regulators -OffHead and OffT*ts - In Whitehall Shake-up

Our annual for 2021-22

Today's news flash from The White House

Blair leaves massive turd in Starmer's toilet

Expert raises alarm but Government says it’s all fine

Peter Murrell to be stripped of Scottish citizenship

Trump to build Arc de Stalemate in Washington DC

US Pollsters can't understand Trump's numbers

Nigel Farage to release a cover version of 'I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles'

Red Arrows to be made from paper

Labour's sunny weather bad for Britain, says Farage

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

Red Arrows to be made from paper

Labour's sunny weather bad for Britain, says Farage

National Trust blasts feckless oiks

Literally no one surprised as Reform councillor sacked

Ballroom will come with playpen and pervert dungeon

Liverpool not chosen as stereotypical of Gotham City

I want a Swatch outstrips Cost of Living as UK's top crisis

Stand off over baked potatoes

I won't mouse for anyone but Keir, vows Larry

Warnings of 'Ghost brokers' targeting 16 to 25 year-olds with fake car insurance online

Academy schools sponsored by Organised Crime groups

Stand off over baked potatoes

This weekend UK will be hotter than the sun

Trump calls off Tube strikes at last minute

Security warning about bogus roadworks

Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle

Vultures fail to gather as 150 WHSmith stores close

Amazon delivers its first UK bombs by drone

Thames Water could win Turner Prize

Sinclair Spectrum failed because 'it was too woke'

Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Exam board defends convoluted and labyrinthine Maths exam questions

Council reaps the benefits of using AI

Manager insisting on calling any skill a 'secret sauce'

Norfolk man arrested following unfortunate birthday blunder

Council plans annual black bin collections

Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Today's Christmas Card report

AI writed this headline: The future is now

Nation's biscuit manufactures in despair following plans to scrap Police Commissioners

Flies deny they have no common sense

Spurs seek open-top bus for “We’re Staying Up” parade

Ballroom will come with playpen and pervert dungeon

Liverpool not chosen as stereotypical of Gotham City

Enhanced Games to ban clean athletes

Prince William sells off 20% of Cornwall-which is all of the pasty filling

High Street crime unit targets fancy dress shops fronting possible illegal activities

Chelsea 'magnificent and consistent' at FA Cup final losses

An unlikely job swap for Sam Battle and Keir Starmer

Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'