Welcome to Britain in crisis.
Most people fail to actually recognise that we're a nation in crisis, but Britain's largest organ, The Daily Male, insists that we are.
As we wage yet another war in a country most of us have no interest whatsoever in, with equipment we don't have, and as we combat anarchy in the streets with police officers who will soon become anarchists themselves, and the bins start getting emptied on a six monthly basis...
Britain has infinitely more pressing questions to answer.
Is it all over between Jordan and the Daily Star? Is Peter Andre really going to propose to Kerry Katona in an Iceland store near you? Is Manchester City's Balotelli off his nut? Will Midsomer Murders really work with a new leading man? Will anarchists disrupt the Royal Wedding? Will Sky News's Anna Botting ever develop a sympathetic demeanour? Will a Wonka like Derek Acorah ever get a new series? Is any of the crap they sell on the late night shopping channels of any use whatsoever?
And anyway...who cares?
Who really gives a toss?
The bottom line is that we're all pretty well screwed anyway. But according to the 'Male' it would be wrong to blame the bankers - those incompetent money grubbing nitwits who got just about everything wrong and plunged the world into recession.
It wasn't the bankers' fault.
They were just doing their jobs, investing everybody's hard earned in monkey nut futures. They weren't to know. Blaming the bankers for the recession is like blaming Lesley Ash's lips for a downturn in the cosmetic surgery industry.
No foundation for it.
So just relax - David Cameron has yet again made it all "perfectly clear" whilst obscuring the issue entirely, that we are all irrevocably fucked. Right up the arse. With a silver bullet - or a golden rivet, depending on your preferences.
In conclusion: Let's all do a Berlusconi...
Lie back, think of Napoli, and live to fight another day.
A bit like the French - except they tend to think of Marseille rather than Napoli.
Jeeze - whatever next?
Jose Mourinho back in the Premiership? Andy Murray winning Wimbledon?
According to the Male, all things are possible, but probably won't be realised as we're all DOOMED!
More crap as we get it.