Jeremy Clarkson admitted, last night, that he no longer has any option but to support Al-Qaeda, amidst news that preparations for the Olympics were going smoothly.
Lord Coe, who this week laid the final piece of turf at the Olympic stadium recently posted, on the official website of the games, a picture of his middle finger, along with the caption: “I'm not entirely sure how it happened either, but fuck you all!”
Clarkson, a part-time journalist, full-time arsehole, responded that there was “nothing for it. We'll have to ruin the games ourselves”. For years, Clarkson has been a leading proponent of charitable campaigns such as: “Britain Can't Do Anything Right”, “Oil Won't Actually Run Out, Science Is Just Lying To You”, and “I'm Not Sure If Anyone Has Mentioned This Before, But Political Correctness Has Gone Mad”.
Now, amidst fears that one of his leading campaigns is under the threat of being revealed as the hollow, pseudo-intellectual cliché it is, Clarkson claims that sympathising with an extremist Islamic sect is “exactly what this country needs”.
Mysterious Al-Quada leader, Osama bin Laden, has welcomed the move. In a semaphore interview, bin Laden stated that “for years Al-Qaeda has been getting a lot of negative press... but now we have Jeremy with us, everybody can say we're 'being ironic' or 'just telling it like it is', it's great!”
MI5 have declined to comment on the success of the games, but have stressed that they have a plan to deal with Clarkson. “What we are now able to do,” an MI5 spokesperson commented, “is to declare a 'no-fly zone' over Clarkson. Then the minute he takes two feet off the ground, we can tell everyone that it's in the interest of civilians that he is removed.”