The Coalition government is to radically change the way companies recruit new employees in order to create a ‘fairer and less beaurocratic’ process which is based upon the way governments are formed.
‘Traditionally, companies must waste considerable amounts of time and money by advertising a position, short-listing candidates through application forms and appointing on the basis of an interview,’ according to Chris Grayling, Minister for Employment, ‘all of which could easily result in the wrong person being in the wrong job.’
‘But look at every government we’ve ever had: People were voted into parliament because they were placed very fairly in a constituency they had no chance of losing. Then once elected, they were appointed to cabinet positions on the strength of how brown their nose was and how clever their aides were. And apart from education, the economy, and the NHS, it has never failed us yet; there is no reason why it should fail in the wider community.’
As a result of the new measures, the traditional application process will be replaced a rigourous points-based assessment of how well they know the person in charge.
The interview process will be replaced by a drinking session with their potential employers and colleagues, during which candidates will be asked to voice their opinions on the job after each round of shots they buy.
To ensure fairness, all candidates will be prohibited from speaking in anything other than generalities, but will be allowed to smear their competitors and refer to their sexual history when the others are out of ear shot.
Finally, the winning candidate will be chosen on the basis of a detailed understanding of the job and the people involved, as well as a proficiency at both time management and back-handers.
‘The time for the fair appointment of people on the basis of their qualification and experience has gone’, according to David Cameron. ‘We need a common sense approach to employment which allows employers to choose who they think will be best for the job and their back pocket. Speaking of which, do you know anyone who’s good for a laugh, loaded and fancies taking over at the Foreign Office?’