NewsBiscuit : D’yah want some? Yeah? Yeah? Artside now- if ya fink your ‘ard enough!

Quick links: NewsBiscuit Home • Chat Room • Writers' Room • Top Ten

D’yah want some? Yeah? Yeah? Artside now- if ya fink your ‘ard enough!

(23 posts) (11 voices)

Started 3 years ago by AdrianJ
Latest reply from Iscariot

Tags:

No tags yet

AdrianJ

offline
Member

Not wanting to be left out of this latest forum craze of throwing one’s toys out of the pram, I was wondering if any of you would be kind enough to complete the following form, so that I may instigate a spat of my very own.

Oi <insert forum member(s) name(s) here> you complete <insert appropriate insult here>,

Where do you get off <calling me a / saying that I / insinuating that I’m (delete as applicable)> <please insert details of bone of contention here>! Well, I’ve just about had enough of your < insults / hypocrisy / whining / threats /criticism / other - please specify > and I’m not going to take it anymore.

It’s just typical of you <please insert relevant nationality/class/race/colour/creed/political view and/or sexual preference here>, always < please insert unfounded regional, racial, sexual, religious and/or socio-political stereotypical trait here>. Well, it makes me so <sick / angry / want to punch you up the bracket (delete as applicable) >.

So, if you don’t <insert details of required remedial action here (inc. necessary timescale, e.g. “right now”)>, then I’ll <insert details of appropriate punitive measure(s) here>.

Got it!

Kind Regards,

Adrian

Posted 3 years ago #
fun and games

offline
Member

100 stars.

Which is what you'll see when you wake up (after you've been knocked out) you middle class ponce, innit.

Posted 3 years ago #
AdrianJ

offline
Member

Who are you calling “middle class” you baboon faced oik? I’m a resident of Surrey, and as such, surely must be considered upper middle class at the very least!
(B.T.W. thanks for joining in Fun and Games – awfully kind of you)

Posted 3 years ago #
Mary Evans

offline
Member

I was going to give you a right pasting - but as you are a fellow Surrey denizen, then let's take 'em all on together AJ... and maybe have coffee and a light pastry too?

Posted 3 years ago #
MADJEZ

offline
Member

I think we should all marvel at the tenacity of your formatting. I'd have given up after the first line.

Surrey eh, you SURREY folk are all <insert appropriate insult here>.

Posted 3 years ago #
AdrianJ

offline
Member

Tenacious?

Posted 3 years ago #
AdrianJ

offline
Member

How fortuitous Mary, I've only just this second lifted a fresh batch of croissants from the Aga. I’ll put the Moka Pot on now - Columbian or Brazilian?

Posted 3 years ago #
The All New Jeni B

offline
Member

Surely there is enough division in this world already Adrian, without creating more?

Isn't there enough room for us all, our varied beliefs and personalities?

Can't we just all agree to disagree over certain things and try to get along?

Now shut the fuck up you Southern Softy Shite-bag, or the Scots on here will bang yer pus!!!

*Please note, this is intended as a humourous response and is in no way intended to cause an actual fight. Due to a number of sense of humour failures over recent weeks, we are now required by NB Law to state clearly our intentions*

Posted 3 years ago #
AdrianJ

offline
Member

You are of course right Jeni. We should forego all this petty wrangling, and instead celebrate what we all have in common - a universal hatred of the Welsh. The Taffy bastards!

P.S. I don't actually have a cat, but if I did, then you'd be more than welcome to "bang" it.

Posted 3 years ago #
brownpaperreporter

offline
Member

Surrey. The Manchester United of the cricket world, but without the trophies, success or inspiration.

Posted 3 years ago #
The All New Jeni B

offline
Member

No, don't mind the Welsh. It's the Swiss I have a problem with. Hygienic, well- disciplined, officious bastards!

P.S. A "pus" is a slightly rude way of saying face. I do believe it has it's origins in Gaelic.

Posted 3 years ago #
Mary Evans

offline
Member

Adrian - I know we're a familiar bunch on the dinner party circuit here in Surrey, but I feel it's a little early in our acquaintance to discuss my Brazilian. Put me down for a croissant though - I'll bring the raspberry jam I purchased from the most darling Farmer's Market. And for only £15! It did have a lovely ribbon round it as well...

Jen, I think you raise an excellent point. It is very easy in this nether-cyber-muddle we inhabit for the tone of our missives to be misunderstood. To that end:

Neal: I realise that my frequent attacks on your masculinity are both hurtful and unfair. You shake those Cosmopolitans, Babs. And frost me a martini glass while you're there.

JenI: I have unkindly suggested in the past that you may have slept with the entire Dundee phone book. This is slanderous. I bet you've barely made it past the letter H.

Rickwestwell: I do not, and have never thought, that you are in fact a cross-dressing vicar by the name of Rev Marjorie Frotknockers. I admire your comedy talents enormously and send my best to your mother - I trust the badgers are still enjoying their cheese.

Genghis: It may have come across as supremely arrogant that I have often mocked your inability to win WoM for a second time. Again, I apologise without reservation. It is a supreme achievement to win the WoM once. Half as good as winning it twice, but still very, very clever indeed.

Stunts; I have often called into question the propriety of your relationship with my father. I know you to be a very happily married woman and in no way meant to make light of the love you bear your husband. But Dad says he's still well up for it if you're ever in the West Country.

Mary Evans: I am so sorry to have portrayed you as a snotty, alcoholic slapper who doesn't need a paternity test to establish your baby's father, so much as a series of open auditions. I have openly insulted your friends, family and told everyone of your many character flaws. This was unfair. It's much better they find them out for themselves.

To all I have offended, I offer my heartfelt apologies. Except to those wankers who really deserved it. And you'll probably get some more before I'm done.

Posted 3 years ago #
The All New Jeni B

offline
Member

Oh Maz, I love you.
You are easily my favourite half-sister in the whole of the cyberverse.

And FYI, I'm only partway through the Gs at the moment, will keep you updated with developments though.

x

Posted 3 years ago #
AdrianJ

offline
Member

Apologies for my impropriety Mary, I had wrongly assumed your Brazilian was in the public domain – what with your DVD, website and everything. Incidentally, I note you’re growing it out at the moment, is that in preparation for the impending birth?

I think I know the Market you mention, absolutely marvellous produce and an opportunity to support our local Farmers to boot. I go there for all of my Olives, Prosciutto and Buffalo Mozzarella. Last weekend I picked up the most wonderful Chorizo, which is hand rolled and then - for that authentic Iberian taste - fermented for three months between the butt cheeks of an Andalucían peasant.

Posted 3 years ago #
StoopyDeGunt

offline
Member

I was really upset when I queued for 90 minutes to pay £20 to see Sarah Silverman, the outrageous JAP, and she didn't say one unpleasant thing about my ethnicity or my country.

She had at least eight hours to kill on the plane over, and yet obviously spent no time at all thinking up something that might offend an English audience.

Unless you include turning up two hours late, and doing a shit performance. In which case, mission accomplished.

(I'm trying to move the debate on, re: taking offence)

Posted 3 years ago #
nealdoran

offline
Member

Cosmopolitans? Cocktails with fruit juice? Now I am insulted and upset. You're all being racist and offending my sensibilities that way too, by the way, but I'm mainly upset about drinking cosmos.

I wish you'd all go back where you came from.

Posted 3 years ago #
MADJEZ

offline
Member

Ok Neal while you're on the subject where do you stand on putting ice in the cider your countryman are bombarding us with. I believe it's terribly un-Irish to be watering down a good drink (though it will make a few more euros).

Posted 3 years ago #
ramblesid

offline
Member

Bloomin 'eck Evans. A couple of years or so ago I took t' wife to see Santana in't some arena or other in Manchester. (we have a motor so can quite easily venture out 5 miles down t'road). Santana himself weren't too bad but the supporting act was a lass called Beverly Knight and the voice on her was like listening to all the emergency services coming down t'road at the same time. I remember thinking at the time, the wife's maybe not perfect but she's not that bad. Nothing at all to do with you really, but you brought it all back.

Posted 3 years ago #
Mary Evans

offline
Member

Try putting the words in a different order, Sid. That might help.

Posted 3 years ago #
shitsu_tonka

offline
Member

Think I was at the same Sarah Silverman gig, Stoopy. I hate her, and Laura Salon, and Shappi Khorsandi, and Jeanne Garafolo, and any girl who stands in front of a mic and tells jokes to greater success than me. Bastards every single one of them.

And as for people who can be funny online and sub great jokes to comedy websites named after snack food, why, you're all utter, utter cunts.

I feel better now ;)

Posted 3 years ago #
nealdoran

offline
Member

Madjez, once you're going down the cider route, you get what's coming to you...

Coors Light on ice is another abomination that's been popular here for a while. I guess if it's not Guinness or whiskey you might as well treat it like lemonade (white or red, you get a choice here).

Posted 3 years ago #
The All New Jeni B

offline
Member

Phew Shitsu, I'll be alright then.

Posted 3 years ago #
Iscariot

offline
Member

Adrian. Living in Surrey myself, I really, really hate people wot can't spel Andalucían proply wiv the accent over the i. I see that you do. Good...er...carry on, then. But I'm watching, and I'm not just a representative of some of the people who can be fooled. I represent all those who can be fooled. I think. Therefore I am...I think.

Good luck with the barbecue/funeral pyre/phoenix from the ashes.

Posted 3 years ago #

RSS feed for this topic

Reply

You must log in to post.