The Office for Meaningless Numbers has confirmed that officers from the OMN who visit households that haven't returned a census form will be included in the information sent in by those households.
'We thought long and hard about this,' said Dave Lyons, a work experience kid. 'Yeah, we did?' agreed Melanie Hooper, another one. 'We was like - shall we or shan't we, you know? So we thought, like, you know, yeah, why not? So then we said, lush?'
It means that when people like OMN Enforcement Officer Kevin Meek arrives at somewhere like the Rundown Estate in Leeds, and asks the big man with earrings and HATE tattooed on his knuckles why he hasn't filled in the census form, and after he has been dragged indoors to have it explained in words beginning with F, he will be counted as a member of the household, especially if he is held hostage.
'We've allowed for hostage situations on the new form,' said Dave proudly. 'This bloke just said to us to get the form written and printed, as we're the only ones who know how the software package works.'
'Yeah, it's lush?' agreed Melanie. 'Anyway, I thought of the idea of including hostages, as my friend Kelly was held hostage by her boyfriend - well, that's what she told her mum?'
OMN Enforcement Officers have asked if they can just guess information about people on rough estates, rather than face 19 stone of swearing violence every time they visit a household.
Said Enforcement Officer Margaret Snobbe: 'I don't mind visiting nice middle class people who may have inadvertently overlooked returning their form. But I draw the line at going anywhere near the illiterate thieving scum who live on sink estates and have eighteen children and a large selection of white goods in their front garden. Between you and me, we're just going to make that stuff up, rather than face an early grave.'
Census statistics to include visiting enforcement officers
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The Office for Meaningless Numbers has confirmed that officers from the OMN who visit households that haven't returned a census form will be included in the information sent in by those households.Posted 6 years ago #
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