The Chancellor confirmed today that watching oil companies like a hawk meant “jolly well acting like one”. Perched on David Cameron’s forearm during Prime Minister’s questions, Osborne made a brief statement to the house before circling the chamber once, shitting on Vince Cable’s head, and landing gracefully on his master’s leather gauntlet.
“We have to keep George’s hood on or he’s a real handful ‘ said Mr Cameron. ‘Yesterday he caught Danny Alexander in his powerful talons and carried him off to Hyde Park. He still hasn’t returned.’
The PM seemed relaxed about his right-hand man’s transmogrification, ‘as long as he becomes fully human soon, or at least as human as he was before. We don’t want him to become stuck, like Liam did’. The defence minister refused to climb out of the bin behind number 10 to comment.